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hardparade) wrote2011-05-07 09:23 pm
hardparade) wrote2011-05-07 09:23 pm
Entry tags:
mysteries of phallic erection in the male
So, you know a while ago I came across all those scans of retro gay porn magazines? And I've been posting the pictures from them that I like the most? WELL, I've also been saving other pictures from them, purely because they made me crack up/do a double-take/basically go 'wtf' and stare at the screen in bewilderment. And I thought it might lower the tone if I mixed them up with the others, soooo: this is a whole post devoted to the weirdest parts of those magazines.
Actually, I think at first I just went 'wtf' and skipped right over them, so it's not ALL the weirdest parts, but there's still some pretty weird/entertaining stuff.
I just thought this one was cute.
Idk about you guys, but I think that's a pretty logical conclusion to come to.
Getting straight to the point.
Looks legit. (I actually can't, with this one, though. REALLY?? I just keep dissolving into fits of giggles whenever I see it.)
Those quotes concern me.
I will not have an erection in class...
I approve of this motion picture's title.
OH GOD.
This guy: the original Regina George.
I do not even know where to START with this.
WHY?
They were clearly running out of scenarios in which two guys could feasibly end up boning.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MAKE IT GO AWAY. *cowers* I like how even the guy is like "...yeah...no."
Excuse me, wtf are you doing?
This just made me laugh because it was so completely random. Porn, porn, porn—contact lenses?!
Nice. Poetry, almost.
...Okay then.
LOLOL WHAT.
"Research report." "Study." "Photographic reference studies." See, this is a time when the quotes would have come in handy.
Omg this was both hilarious and adorable—someone had actually written this on one of the pages!
...from that roof?
No comment.
Lololol.
I just enjoy the use of the word 'fabulous' here.
A question for the ages.
Haha! I don't even know.
...No words.
I see what you did there.
I can't get over the fact that this dude is reading the "bedside mating guide" WHILE HAVING SEX.
This one just makes me kinda sad, because he's attractive, but...why the belt? And the boots? Why?
...
~MYSTERIES~
This just looks like more trouble than it's worth.
This one literally makes me lol every time. THE STATUE. THE STATUE IN GENERAL, BUT ESPECIALLY ITS EXPRESSION.
...okay. Good luck with that, dude.
THE TYPEFACE IS MADE OF PENISES. SO CLASSY.
...What is he doing with that hammer?
I just...*sigh* Why would this be sexy in any way? I think this was one of the '80s ones. I enjoyed how you could actually see the porn getting steadily worse with each decade.
This was also the '80s. WHAT EVEN. "You don't like the food? WELL, HERE IS THE CHEF'S PENIS. HOW ABOUT THAT."
"LET'S PUT IT IN YOUR BREADROLL. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE."
OMG FLOWERS.
...no.
Please do not involve that cat in this.
Male animal. *snort*
He just...he looks so unimpressed.
Apparently, this guy is looking at the tiniest porn magazine known to man.
Now that's what I call good writing.
*shrug* Burning questions of humanity.
...No. BIOLOGY FAIL.
Are we all taking notes?
Hee.
Clever.
That was quick.
BUT WHY THOUGH?
Aaand this was one of the few from the '90s that I even bothered to look at. WORST. WORST EVER.
It's so cute. I don't know why. It's just like, trying so hard to be an innocent book. They don't even bother with that anymore, do they?
GET READY, YOU GUYS.
Sadly, that is all. I have plenty more of the gay porn that actually succeeded in being nice to look at, though, so expect more of that in the near future!
Actually, I think at first I just went 'wtf' and skipped right over them, so it's not ALL the weirdest parts, but there's still some pretty weird/entertaining stuff.
I just thought this one was cute.
Idk about you guys, but I think that's a pretty logical conclusion to come to.
Getting straight to the point.
Looks legit. (I actually can't, with this one, though. REALLY?? I just keep dissolving into fits of giggles whenever I see it.)
Those quotes concern me.
I will not have an erection in class...
I approve of this motion picture's title.
OH GOD.
This guy: the original Regina George.
I do not even know where to START with this.
WHY?
They were clearly running out of scenarios in which two guys could feasibly end up boning.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MAKE IT GO AWAY. *cowers* I like how even the guy is like "...yeah...no."
Excuse me, wtf are you doing?
This just made me laugh because it was so completely random. Porn, porn, porn—contact lenses?!
Nice. Poetry, almost.
...Okay then.
LOLOL WHAT.
"Research report." "Study." "Photographic reference studies." See, this is a time when the quotes would have come in handy.
Omg this was both hilarious and adorable—someone had actually written this on one of the pages!
...from that roof?
No comment.
Lololol.
I just enjoy the use of the word 'fabulous' here.
A question for the ages.
Haha! I don't even know.
...No words.
I see what you did there.
I can't get over the fact that this dude is reading the "bedside mating guide" WHILE HAVING SEX.
This one just makes me kinda sad, because he's attractive, but...why the belt? And the boots? Why?
...
~MYSTERIES~
This just looks like more trouble than it's worth.
This one literally makes me lol every time. THE STATUE. THE STATUE IN GENERAL, BUT ESPECIALLY ITS EXPRESSION.
...okay. Good luck with that, dude.
THE TYPEFACE IS MADE OF PENISES. SO CLASSY.
...What is he doing with that hammer?
I just...*sigh* Why would this be sexy in any way? I think this was one of the '80s ones. I enjoyed how you could actually see the porn getting steadily worse with each decade.
This was also the '80s. WHAT EVEN. "You don't like the food? WELL, HERE IS THE CHEF'S PENIS. HOW ABOUT THAT."
"LET'S PUT IT IN YOUR BREADROLL. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE."
OMG FLOWERS.
...no.
Please do not involve that cat in this.
Male animal. *snort*
He just...he looks so unimpressed.
Apparently, this guy is looking at the tiniest porn magazine known to man.
Now that's what I call good writing.
*shrug* Burning questions of humanity.
...No. BIOLOGY FAIL.
Are we all taking notes?
Hee.
Clever.
That was quick.
BUT WHY THOUGH?
Aaand this was one of the few from the '90s that I even bothered to look at. WORST. WORST EVER.
It's so cute. I don't know why. It's just like, trying so hard to be an innocent book. They don't even bother with that anymore, do they?
GET READY, YOU GUYS.
Sadly, that is all. I have plenty more of the gay porn that actually succeeded in being nice to look at, though, so expect more of that in the near future!
no subject
Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I must've deleted the rest of the Carpet Layer spread, I kinda just deleted things as I went along because they were taking up space and if it wasn't funny/hot/interesting I didn't keep it. But now that you mention it I'm like...I want to see how that goes down. PUN INTENDED.
I was so surprised at how much incest stuff there was! Like, I'm sure there's not THAT MUCH in mainstream porn today. Maybe it was more acceptable as a fantasy back then? Idk, idk.
no subject
Damn, I really wanted to see how they ::ahem:: laid that carpet. I could write some serious crackfic based on these images alone. "Sam and Dean take jobs as carpet layers and then something happens..." Cue bow-chicka-bow-bow music.
The incest stuff is still out there, but like someone below me said, a lot more of it is online now. It's not all fandom stuff by far either. I was looking for something unrelated one night, but I wound up on this message board that was talking about sexytimes of all kinds and there were several gushing about how much they loved the incest fantasies/stories online.
One guy went into great detail about how reading those helped him curb his own "desires" to try and seduce his own brother. Then there were other people encouraging him to try it anyway, which was very /:) to me. Anyway, I followed some links off the message board and stumbled into the biggest mess of badly written sibling incest fantasies I've ever come across. It was badly organized at that, but I clicked around for a while and there was much mentioning of juicy cocks and stuffed asses. I just... had to say, "You fail at writing porn, horny sibling peoples" and closed the tab.
Thus concludes my sharing of incest-I've-found-online. \o/ Hehe.
no subject
Hahaha. Well, we all know what carpet layers are like. It's no wonder they chose THAT job as the basis for the magazine. ...God, it's so tempting to go find that issue again, you know. I really want to read the story, because I bet it's as hilarious as we think it is. Hey, btw, I made a post (http://likecharity.livejournal.com/155384.html) a while ago of some of the funniest story snippets from these magazines, which might entertain you!
Re: the incest stuff, yeah, it's still around, it's just less mainstream. But then I realised I was comparing the porn magazines THEN to the porn magazines NOW, and obviously back then they weren't really mainstream at all. Ugh, I'm struggling to be articulate tonight, but basically it seems like all porn back then was kept quite secretive, and now that it's everywhere, the incest stuff has become more of a niche thing.
Lol, it doesn't surprise me that the incest porn you found was so badly written! I think the only well-written porn I've ever come across has been in fanfiction, and even then there's a lot of awful stuff...