mysteries of phallic erection in the male

[hardparade]

So, you know a while ago I came across all those scans of retro gay porn magazines? And I've been posting the pictures from them that I like the most? WELL, I've also been saving other pictures from them, purely because they made me crack up/do a double-take/basically go 'wtf' and stare at the screen in bewilderment. And I thought it might lower the tone if I mixed them up with the others, soooo: this is a whole post devoted to the weirdest parts of those magazines.

Actually, I think at first I just went 'wtf' and skipped right over them, so it's not ALL the weirdest parts, but there's still some pretty weird/entertaining stuff.


I just thought this one was cute.



Idk about you guys, but I think that's a pretty logical conclusion to come to.


Getting straight to the point.


Looks legit. (I actually can't, with this one, though. REALLY?? I just keep dissolving into fits of giggles whenever I see it.)


Those quotes concern me.


I will not have an erection in class...


I approve of this motion picture's title.


OH GOD.


This guy: the original Regina George.


I do not even know where to START with this.


WHY?


They were clearly running out of scenarios in which two guys could feasibly end up boning.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


MAKE IT GO AWAY. *cowers* I like how even the guy is like "...yeah...no."


Excuse me, wtf are you doing?


This just made me laugh because it was so completely random. Porn, porn, porn—contact lenses?!


Nice. Poetry, almost.


...Okay then.


LOLOL WHAT.


"Research report." "Study." "Photographic reference studies." See, this is a time when the quotes would have come in handy.


Omg this was both hilarious and adorable—someone had actually written this on one of the pages!


...from that roof?


No comment.


Lololol.


I just enjoy the use of the word 'fabulous' here.


A question for the ages.


Haha! I don't even know.


...No words.


I see what you did there.


I can't get over the fact that this dude is reading the "bedside mating guide" WHILE HAVING SEX.


This one just makes me kinda sad, because he's attractive, but...why the belt? And the boots? Why?


...


~MYSTERIES~


This just looks like more trouble than it's worth.


This one literally makes me lol every time. THE STATUE. THE STATUE IN GENERAL, BUT ESPECIALLY ITS EXPRESSION.


...okay. Good luck with that, dude.


THE TYPEFACE IS MADE OF PENISES. SO CLASSY.


...What is he doing with that hammer?


I just...*sigh* Why would this be sexy in any way? I think this was one of the '80s ones. I enjoyed how you could actually see the porn getting steadily worse with each decade.


This was also the '80s. WHAT EVEN. "You don't like the food? WELL, HERE IS THE CHEF'S PENIS. HOW ABOUT THAT."


"LET'S PUT IT IN YOUR BREADROLL. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE."


OMG FLOWERS.


...no.


Please do not involve that cat in this.


Male animal. *snort*


He just...he looks so unimpressed.


Apparently, this guy is looking at the tiniest porn magazine known to man.


Now that's what I call good writing.


*shrug* Burning questions of humanity.


...No. BIOLOGY FAIL.


Are we all taking notes?


Hee.


Clever.


That was quick.


BUT WHY THOUGH?


Aaand this was one of the few from the '90s that I even bothered to look at. WORST. WORST EVER.


It's so cute. I don't know why. It's just like, trying so hard to be an innocent book. They don't even bother with that anymore, do they?


GET READY, YOU GUYS.


Sadly, that is all. I have plenty more of the gay porn that actually succeeded in being nice to look at, though, so expect more of that in the near future!

Comments

[justwolf.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, this is a thing of beauty.

I legitimately laughed out loud almost throughout reading this. It's INCREDIBLE. So bizarre. So cute. So ridiculous. So fucking HILARIOUS.

My favourite it the carpet layers. It's SO macho...

THANK YOU for this.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Haha, I'm so glad! I laughed at loud at quite a bit of it too, so I had to share the entertainment. :)

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

TY FOR ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT YOU PUT INTO THESE POSTS. This one was especially delightful on all levels ;____;

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! I'm glad it's appreciated. XD

[harmonyalr.livejournal.com]

& why does so much of this make me think of JoeandNick?

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

LOL totally!! All the incest references...

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

They need the contact lenses because masturbation is sending them blind, duh!

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Oh, of course! Haha. They should have put that in the article. "Now, if you're reading this magazine, you're probably going to need contact lenses due to all the masturbating you're presumably doing..."

this will bring me much amusement. thank you. :B

[iamshunpike.livejournal.com]

ready and willing to fulfill all of your desires

i can't

i just can't

lollllllllllllllllllllllllllll
and the caption under the phone number too. DAMN.


oh and the "brothers should do it" thing is real. though i suspect it might actually be a really racist title for the porn equivalent of a blaxploitation film. using words like "brother" and turning an ethnicity into a fetish, generally being offensive, generally being the un-PC people that people allowed themselves to be before freakin' 1992.
myeah.
/soapbox


COCK. FEAST.
ewwwwwwwwww
i'm imagining food made with dick meat, all prettily displayed in the nicest casserole dishes and such, all laid out (ha) on my family's dinner table. a white lace tablecloth and maroon-colored candles (only the most phallic. SO DAMN CLASSY.) are the settings for this man-meat "feast". (sadly i have seen the term "man-meat" used in fanfiction. :-( ) the best china and silverware, etc. are used to eat this stuff. there may be gravy involved.
SO WRONG. :(



...i did NOT expect the erection as i scrolled down the lute-playing picture. DNW. DN ever WANT. why would you get it up while playing music in a serene and somber fashion
i will never understand



Excuse me, wtf are you doing?

that is the gayest sing-along ever
THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE
WITH THE SOUND OF GAY MEN


what are little flute-playing Tumnus-es doing on an ad about "teen-age masturbation"?
also that sound suspiciously illegal NEGL. :( :( :(
noooo james, you can't just DO THAT.
this ain't gon' help that awful "Tumnus=pedo" theory any.
i mean COME ON


"Spice is nice, but incest is best!"
It's like someone read your mind during your family dinner conversations. or how i just this minute imagined them to go.
Aunt Somebody: "Jen would you care for spice on your ______ casserole/food/whatever it is?"
You: "Spice is nice, but incest is best! *trollface*"

...idk.


"What do you do when you're hot for your own kid brother?"
Pretty sure like 85% of your fics/fandom interests have this as a major plot point.
and almost everyone else, in every fandom, too. THIS IS A FANFICTION TROPE BY NOW.

I can't get over the fact that this dude is reading the "bedside mating guide" WHILE HAVING SEX.
Maybe it's like the gay, 70's Kama Sutra, and they're trying to follow the steps as he reads them aloud?
i don't want to know

This just looks like more trouble than it's worth.
I knowww! what if the guy on top/receiving just FELL or something, and then...
TEETH.
...that's gotta hurt.


BANG BANG MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER CAME DOWN UPON HIS HEEEEEAD
BANG BANG MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER MADE SURE THAT HE WAAAS DEAD
oh shit, son, you better watch out. the guy you're giving head to is going to murder you with that hammer.
so clueless


i'm actually giggling at that Chef thing and your comments on it. oh man IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MEANT TO BE A PARODY.


a lot of these guys probably have kids and even wives now, and i wonder what their relatives' reaction(s) would be to this stuff.
like if the Chef guy had a son. and that son was a teenager/in his early twenties this day. and that son was questioning his "i'd hit it" preferences, and so he rambled through the annals (ha, remove one "n") of porn, and found old gay porn like this. then the son got a little interested.
THEN HE RECOGNIZED HIS DAD. AND SHIT GOT REAL.

someone just came in the room so i can't finish looking at this. I WILL SOME OTHER TIME. bye.




(and i meant to put this last bit at the end when i was done but i couldn't finish. here it is anyway.)

To conclude: I think that, after this post, I may never ever again have the wish to go anywhere NEAR dick.
I mean, all genitals are kind of ugly IMO, regardless of gender (they're all just so awkward looking to me), but still. DICKS ARE WEIRD LOOKING. :-|

Re: this will bring me much amusement. thank you. :B

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

LOL so glad to bring the amusement. And this comment just made me crack up about it all over again.

If it's a racist fetishisation thing, I definitely do not approve of the title, but upon further research it seems like it is genuinely more on the incest side of things. Although, probably just with actors who LOOK like brothers. Even so - that title is amazing. It's like a command. It's not like, "brothers doin' it", it's BROTHERS SHOULD DO IT. THEY JUST SHOULD.

Omg ew cock feast. (I too have seen 'man-meat' used in fic. NO.) why would you get it up while playing music in a serene and somber fashion - omg this made me lol. AS DID THE GAY SINGALONG. And the pedo Tumnases. TYPICAL.

LMAO the 'spice is nice but incest is best' thing, THAT IS SO GOING TO GO THROUGH MY HEAD DURING A MEAL AT MY NEXT FAMILY GATHERING, YOU DO REALISE. Oh god.

The 'what do you do when you're hot for your own kid brother' one - that's why I love it, it's such a fic trope and, you know, so relevant to my interests.

I always wonder that about like, where these people are now. And if anyone would recognise them. THAT WOULD BE THE WORST THING EVER. RECOGNISING A RELATIVE IN PORN OH GOD DNW. It'd be better if it was porn from this long ago, though, I suppose.

Omg though I love this comment, so many lulz. SORRY I SEEM TO HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR DISLIKE OF PENIS THOUGH. I think genitals CAN be nice-looking, but it really depends on the context for me. Like in porn that is actually good, it's fine, but in this it's just kinda gross.

[portraitofafool.livejournal.com]

I just. I don't even. I...

LMFAO

Some of this is so incredibly bad that it is unbelievably hilarious.

If I may make a slight request: Would it be possible for you to share the whole The Carpet Layer spread? The "premise" of that just cracks me up to no end. It really is reaching and it's sure to be a cheesy good time of HAHAHANOYOUDIDN'TEXCEPTYOUDID!

Oh and I'd like to read the rest of this so I can finish making fun of it. The written stuff had me laughing even harder than the pictures. Except for the chef/waiter/customer fuck up to end all fuck ups. Dick on a roll = sexytimes, obv. *snicker*

The incest stuff--the amount of it--blew me away and I'm reading along going, "Dean Winchester totally sent all of these in. He may've changed some names, but for real, yo--Dean did it."

I do also wonder just how the hell those guys were gonna get down with one of them being so sexily perched on the roof in his little running shorts... It's a conundrum...

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

LOL I KNOW RIGHT. I'm glad you enjoyed.

Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I must've deleted the rest of the Carpet Layer spread, I kinda just deleted things as I went along because they were taking up space and if it wasn't funny/hot/interesting I didn't keep it. But now that you mention it I'm like...I want to see how that goes down. PUN INTENDED.

I was so surprised at how much incest stuff there was! Like, I'm sure there's not THAT MUCH in mainstream porn today. Maybe it was more acceptable as a fantasy back then? Idk, idk.

[portraitofafool.livejournal.com]

Reading/looking at all of that stuff was the highlight of my day, which may be kind of sad, but there it is. Too damned funny, man.

Damn, I really wanted to see how they ::ahem:: laid that carpet. I could write some serious crackfic based on these images alone. "Sam and Dean take jobs as carpet layers and then something happens..." Cue bow-chicka-bow-bow music.

The incest stuff is still out there, but like someone below me said, a lot more of it is online now. It's not all fandom stuff by far either. I was looking for something unrelated one night, but I wound up on this message board that was talking about sexytimes of all kinds and there were several gushing about how much they loved the incest fantasies/stories online.

One guy went into great detail about how reading those helped him curb his own "desires" to try and seduce his own brother. Then there were other people encouraging him to try it anyway, which was very /:) to me. Anyway, I followed some links off the message board and stumbled into the biggest mess of badly written sibling incest fantasies I've ever come across. It was badly organized at that, but I clicked around for a while and there was much mentioning of juicy cocks and stuffed asses. I just... had to say, "You fail at writing porn, horny sibling peoples" and closed the tab.

Thus concludes my sharing of incest-I've-found-online. \o/ Hehe.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Lol, don't worry about it - I'm the one who spent the time going through it all deciding which bits to post! XD

Hahaha. Well, we all know what carpet layers are like. It's no wonder they chose THAT job as the basis for the magazine. ...God, it's so tempting to go find that issue again, you know. I really want to read the story, because I bet it's as hilarious as we think it is. Hey, btw, I made a post (http://likecharity.livejournal.com/155384.html) a while ago of some of the funniest story snippets from these magazines, which might entertain you!

Re: the incest stuff, yeah, it's still around, it's just less mainstream. But then I realised I was comparing the porn magazines THEN to the porn magazines NOW, and obviously back then they weren't really mainstream at all. Ugh, I'm struggling to be articulate tonight, but basically it seems like all porn back then was kept quite secretive, and now that it's everywhere, the incest stuff has become more of a niche thing.

Lol, it doesn't surprise me that the incest porn you found was so badly written! I think the only well-written porn I've ever come across has been in fanfiction, and even then there's a lot of awful stuff...

[alexi-lupin.livejournal.com]

lololol at "Mysteries of phallic erection - in the male" XDD Well, who ELSE would that refer to? I mean, yes, there is an argument for transgendered individuals, but by and large that seems unnecessary on the cover, hahaha.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Lmao I had the same thought! That seems like the most redundant title ever, it may as well just be called "ERECTIONS" or something.

[loveisdanger.livejournal.com]

LOLOLOL TWO TUBES OF TUMESCENT TANTALIZATION. Because what is porn without alliteration?


Also, "What do you do when you're hot for your own kid brother?"
...ask Joe Jonas.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Seriously! Man, I just can't get off if there's no alliteration in my porn.

I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT. Oh Jonases.

[umbrrrayla.livejournal.com]

I don't even know where to start... I mean, I just don't know which ones to point out first. The first picture totally looks like two rookie cops caught out in the station bathrooms.

"Brothers Should Do It" - I concur.

The Meat Eater - who wouldn't be turned on by those cold, dead, latex eyes?

The cat looks like it might belong on Cats That Look Like Hitler.com, but the view isn't quite clear enough. Either way, the cat... and the tan line... and the nudity...

And yes, I agree - do these people even give a seconds thought to the future?! That these pictures will be around forever? Lmao! I mean, most of the guys are well into their twenties or thirties, so shouldn't they be capable of kinda, I don't know, thinking of consequences by that stage?!

This whole post seriously made me lol for real! Thank you!

As for the incest stuff, maybe it was more of a niche interest then than now, but maybe the interest has just moved online. I mean, look how quickly the fans of mainstream shows and bands pair siblings together? Like Supernatural, for instance? In fact, that cest-fanbase has almost became accepted in mainstream itself because it's so huge.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Lmao THAT ONE STILL MAKES ME GIGGLE EVERY TIME. I was like, surely this time I'm over it...but no. It's their expressions that make it.

Lolol Hitler!cat. I just don't understand the presence of the cat in the first place, like, why were they like "you know, this is going real well, we love the tanline, but you know what would make these even better? IF YOU HELD THIS CAT."

I'm glad the post amused you, your commentary on it amused me!!

I think I see the incest thing as more "mainstream" then just because it was in porn magazines, but then again, I guess back then porn in general was kind of covert, and now that it's everywhere the incest stuff is a little harder to find. In mainstream porn, anyway! It's obviously everywhere in fic. XD

[inthenameofjuc.livejournal.com]

oh my god, this is a post of pure excellence. love all the incest references but my favorite would HAVE to be "OMG FLOWERS" i straight snorting with laughter. soooo fuuuuuunnnnnyyyyy

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Hahaha SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION?? Why is he so startled/thrilled by the flowers? We will never know.

[expastic.livejournal.com]

OH MANNNN, JENNY I AM DYING

THESE ARE HYSTERICAL

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

:D

[xsweatergirlx.livejournal.com]

This has brightened up my day of revision so much. My memories of social psychology will never be the same again... Thank you :P

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

LOL I can imagine. XD You're welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[moogle62.livejournal.com]

CANNOT
STOP
LAUGHING

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

I AIM TO PLEASE. :)

[moogle62.livejournal.com]

THE LUTE/GUITAR ONE. THE CHEF ONE. I CANNOT. YOUR CAPTIONS. BUT WHY THOUGH. DO NOT INVOLVE THE CAT. LOL. LOL. LOL. FOREVER.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

I'M GIGGLING ABOUT IT ALL OVER AGAIN. NEVER-ENDING HILARITY.

God, it's so tempting to go back and see what other ridiculousness I missed due to just being like "...this looks bad *delete*"

[moogle62.livejournal.com]

DOOOOOOOOOO, oh god, still laughing. ALSO HOW MUCH AM I LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FIC YOU JUST POSTED? A WHOLE FREAKING LOT, IS THE ANSWER. BB I AM SO EXCITEDDDD! <333

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

I HAD TO WADE THROUGH SO MUCH CRAP THE FIRST TIME BUT IT MIGHT BE WORTH IT TO FIND MORE GEMS LIKE THESE.

♥ I can't believe I finally posted it. I NOW UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS ABOUT RISING WORD COUNTS. Although you definitely win, length-wise. XD

Ughhhh also, relevant to your interests possibly, my FAVOURITE FIC WRITER LIKE, EVER, just posted some Jesse/Andrew (http://blackwayfarers.livejournal.com/54853.html) and I'm probably going to read it and die. Just so you know. I AM SO ANGRY AND THRILLED AT THE SAME TIME AND IT IS SO CONFUSING.

[blacklilly.livejournal.com]

Oh my god I am laughing so hard at these!! Thanks for posting these up!! XDD

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

:D You're welcome. They're so great, I'm glad they made you laugh!

[bemblebee.livejournal.com]

These made me laugh so much I am physically exhausted. GENUINELY crying with laughter. Amazing.

[likecharity.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, I'm glad. XD They are just completely ridiculous, aren't they?