mysteries of phallic erection in the male

[hardparade]

So, you know a while ago I came across all those scans of retro gay porn magazines? And I've been posting the pictures from them that I like the most? WELL, I've also been saving other pictures from them, purely because they made me crack up/do a double-take/basically go 'wtf' and stare at the screen in bewilderment. And I thought it might lower the tone if I mixed them up with the others, soooo: this is a whole post devoted to the weirdest parts of those magazines.

Actually, I think at first I just went 'wtf' and skipped right over them, so it's not ALL the weirdest parts, but there's still some pretty weird/entertaining stuff.


I just thought this one was cute.



Idk about you guys, but I think that's a pretty logical conclusion to come to.


Getting straight to the point.


Looks legit. (I actually can't, with this one, though. REALLY?? I just keep dissolving into fits of giggles whenever I see it.)


Those quotes concern me.


I will not have an erection in class...


I approve of this motion picture's title.


OH GOD.


This guy: the original Regina George.


I do not even know where to START with this.


WHY?


They were clearly running out of scenarios in which two guys could feasibly end up boning.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


MAKE IT GO AWAY. *cowers* I like how even the guy is like "...yeah...no."


Excuse me, wtf are you doing?


This just made me laugh because it was so completely random. Porn, porn, porn—contact lenses?!


Nice. Poetry, almost.


...Okay then.


LOLOL WHAT.


"Research report." "Study." "Photographic reference studies." See, this is a time when the quotes would have come in handy.


Omg this was both hilarious and adorable—someone had actually written this on one of the pages!


...from that roof?


No comment.


Lololol.


I just enjoy the use of the word 'fabulous' here.


A question for the ages.


Haha! I don't even know.


...No words.


I see what you did there.


I can't get over the fact that this dude is reading the "bedside mating guide" WHILE HAVING SEX.


This one just makes me kinda sad, because he's attractive, but...why the belt? And the boots? Why?


...


~MYSTERIES~


This just looks like more trouble than it's worth.


This one literally makes me lol every time. THE STATUE. THE STATUE IN GENERAL, BUT ESPECIALLY ITS EXPRESSION.


...okay. Good luck with that, dude.


THE TYPEFACE IS MADE OF PENISES. SO CLASSY.


...What is he doing with that hammer?


I just...*sigh* Why would this be sexy in any way? I think this was one of the '80s ones. I enjoyed how you could actually see the porn getting steadily worse with each decade.


This was also the '80s. WHAT EVEN. "You don't like the food? WELL, HERE IS THE CHEF'S PENIS. HOW ABOUT THAT."


"LET'S PUT IT IN YOUR BREADROLL. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE."


OMG FLOWERS.


...no.


Please do not involve that cat in this.


Male animal. *snort*


He just...he looks so unimpressed.


Apparently, this guy is looking at the tiniest porn magazine known to man.


Now that's what I call good writing.


*shrug* Burning questions of humanity.


...No. BIOLOGY FAIL.


Are we all taking notes?


Hee.


Clever.


That was quick.


BUT WHY THOUGH?


Aaand this was one of the few from the '90s that I even bothered to look at. WORST. WORST EVER.


It's so cute. I don't know why. It's just like, trying so hard to be an innocent book. They don't even bother with that anymore, do they?


GET READY, YOU GUYS.


Sadly, that is all. I have plenty more of the gay porn that actually succeeded in being nice to look at, though, so expect more of that in the near future!

Comments

[justwolf.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, this is a thing of beauty.

I legitimately laughed out loud almost throughout reading this. It's INCREDIBLE. So bizarre. So cute. So ridiculous. So fucking HILARIOUS.

My favourite it the carpet layers. It's SO macho...

THANK YOU for this.

[th-esaurus.livejournal.com]

TY FOR ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT YOU PUT INTO THESE POSTS. This one was especially delightful on all levels ;____;

[harmonyalr.livejournal.com]

& why does so much of this make me think of JoeandNick?

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

They need the contact lenses because masturbation is sending them blind, duh!

this will bring me much amusement. thank you. :B

[iamshunpike.livejournal.com]

ready and willing to fulfill all of your desires

i can't

i just can't

lollllllllllllllllllllllllllll
and the caption under the phone number too. DAMN.


oh and the "brothers should do it" thing is real. though i suspect it might actually be a really racist title for the porn equivalent of a blaxploitation film. using words like "brother" and turning an ethnicity into a fetish, generally being offensive, generally being the un-PC people that people allowed themselves to be before freakin' 1992.
myeah.
/soapbox


COCK. FEAST.
ewwwwwwwwww
i'm imagining food made with dick meat, all prettily displayed in the nicest casserole dishes and such, all laid out (ha) on my family's dinner table. a white lace tablecloth and maroon-colored candles (only the most phallic. SO DAMN CLASSY.) are the settings for this man-meat "feast". (sadly i have seen the term "man-meat" used in fanfiction. :-( ) the best china and silverware, etc. are used to eat this stuff. there may be gravy involved.
SO WRONG. :(



...i did NOT expect the erection as i scrolled down the lute-playing picture. DNW. DN ever WANT. why would you get it up while playing music in a serene and somber fashion
i will never understand



Excuse me, wtf are you doing?

that is the gayest sing-along ever
THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE
WITH THE SOUND OF GAY MEN


what are little flute-playing Tumnus-es doing on an ad about "teen-age masturbation"?
also that sound suspiciously illegal NEGL. :( :( :(
noooo james, you can't just DO THAT.
this ain't gon' help that awful "Tumnus=pedo" theory any.
i mean COME ON


"Spice is nice, but incest is best!"
It's like someone read your mind during your family dinner conversations. or how i just this minute imagined them to go.
Aunt Somebody: "Jen would you care for spice on your ______ casserole/food/whatever it is?"
You: "Spice is nice, but incest is best! *trollface*"

...idk.


"What do you do when you're hot for your own kid brother?"
Pretty sure like 85% of your fics/fandom interests have this as a major plot point.
and almost everyone else, in every fandom, too. THIS IS A FANFICTION TROPE BY NOW.

I can't get over the fact that this dude is reading the "bedside mating guide" WHILE HAVING SEX.
Maybe it's like the gay, 70's Kama Sutra, and they're trying to follow the steps as he reads them aloud?
i don't want to know

This just looks like more trouble than it's worth.
I knowww! what if the guy on top/receiving just FELL or something, and then...
TEETH.
...that's gotta hurt.


BANG BANG MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER CAME DOWN UPON HIS HEEEEEAD
BANG BANG MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER MADE SURE THAT HE WAAAS DEAD
oh shit, son, you better watch out. the guy you're giving head to is going to murder you with that hammer.
so clueless


i'm actually giggling at that Chef thing and your comments on it. oh man IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MEANT TO BE A PARODY.


a lot of these guys probably have kids and even wives now, and i wonder what their relatives' reaction(s) would be to this stuff.
like if the Chef guy had a son. and that son was a teenager/in his early twenties this day. and that son was questioning his "i'd hit it" preferences, and so he rambled through the annals (ha, remove one "n") of porn, and found old gay porn like this. then the son got a little interested.
THEN HE RECOGNIZED HIS DAD. AND SHIT GOT REAL.

someone just came in the room so i can't finish looking at this. I WILL SOME OTHER TIME. bye.




(and i meant to put this last bit at the end when i was done but i couldn't finish. here it is anyway.)

To conclude: I think that, after this post, I may never ever again have the wish to go anywhere NEAR dick.
I mean, all genitals are kind of ugly IMO, regardless of gender (they're all just so awkward looking to me), but still. DICKS ARE WEIRD LOOKING. :-|

[portraitofafool.livejournal.com]

I just. I don't even. I...

LMFAO

Some of this is so incredibly bad that it is unbelievably hilarious.

If I may make a slight request: Would it be possible for you to share the whole The Carpet Layer spread? The "premise" of that just cracks me up to no end. It really is reaching and it's sure to be a cheesy good time of HAHAHANOYOUDIDN'TEXCEPTYOUDID!

Oh and I'd like to read the rest of this so I can finish making fun of it. The written stuff had me laughing even harder than the pictures. Except for the chef/waiter/customer fuck up to end all fuck ups. Dick on a roll = sexytimes, obv. *snicker*

The incest stuff--the amount of it--blew me away and I'm reading along going, "Dean Winchester totally sent all of these in. He may've changed some names, but for real, yo--Dean did it."

I do also wonder just how the hell those guys were gonna get down with one of them being so sexily perched on the roof in his little running shorts... It's a conundrum...

[alexi-lupin.livejournal.com]

lololol at "Mysteries of phallic erection - in the male" XDD Well, who ELSE would that refer to? I mean, yes, there is an argument for transgendered individuals, but by and large that seems unnecessary on the cover, hahaha.

[loveisdanger.livejournal.com]

LOLOLOL TWO TUBES OF TUMESCENT TANTALIZATION. Because what is porn without alliteration?


Also, "What do you do when you're hot for your own kid brother?"
...ask Joe Jonas.

[umbrrrayla.livejournal.com]

I don't even know where to start... I mean, I just don't know which ones to point out first. The first picture totally looks like two rookie cops caught out in the station bathrooms.

"Brothers Should Do It" - I concur.

The Meat Eater - who wouldn't be turned on by those cold, dead, latex eyes?

The cat looks like it might belong on Cats That Look Like Hitler.com, but the view isn't quite clear enough. Either way, the cat... and the tan line... and the nudity...

And yes, I agree - do these people even give a seconds thought to the future?! That these pictures will be around forever? Lmao! I mean, most of the guys are well into their twenties or thirties, so shouldn't they be capable of kinda, I don't know, thinking of consequences by that stage?!

This whole post seriously made me lol for real! Thank you!

As for the incest stuff, maybe it was more of a niche interest then than now, but maybe the interest has just moved online. I mean, look how quickly the fans of mainstream shows and bands pair siblings together? Like Supernatural, for instance? In fact, that cest-fanbase has almost became accepted in mainstream itself because it's so huge.

[inthenameofjuc.livejournal.com]

oh my god, this is a post of pure excellence. love all the incest references but my favorite would HAVE to be "OMG FLOWERS" i straight snorting with laughter. soooo fuuuuuunnnnnyyyyy

[expastic.livejournal.com]

OH MANNNN, JENNY I AM DYING

THESE ARE HYSTERICAL

[xsweatergirlx.livejournal.com]

This has brightened up my day of revision so much. My memories of social psychology will never be the same again... Thank you :P

[moogle62.livejournal.com]

CANNOT
STOP
LAUGHING

[blacklilly.livejournal.com]

Oh my god I am laughing so hard at these!! Thanks for posting these up!! XDD

[bemblebee.livejournal.com]

These made me laugh so much I am physically exhausted. GENUINELY crying with laughter. Amazing.