likecharity (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hardparade) wrote2011-09-09 11:19 pm
hardparade) wrote2011-09-09 11:19 pm
big boy rides and big boy ice. jedward/noel fielding, nc-17.
Uh. Haha. No, I don't really have any words for this. Except that if you're up at 4am scribbling in a notebook, you really can't let a fic idea go.
Also! Just out of curiosity, is there anywhere Noel-related that I can crosspost this? Like, imagining I just decided to throw out the rest of my dignity? I know there are Boosh comms and stuff but I feel like there should be a sort of general, Noel-Fielding-having-sex-with-random-people appreciation society, because I would probably get a lot of use out of that.
Title: big boy rides and big boy ice
Author: likecharity
Pairing: John Grimes/Edward Grimes/Noel Fielding
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Real person slash, twincest, and a bit of focus on age difference—Noel is in his late thirties, and the twins are 19...and act a lot younger.
Summary: Porn, porn, 6000 words of porn. "Can I ask why you've chosen me for your sexual debut with non-family members?"
A/N: WHAT IN THE WORLD. Can we blame that old episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks that I foolishly decided to rewatch? And![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
staypainted? And these gifs? Please? (Also, the title is from 'Whatever You Like' by T.I., though I was listening to the Anya Marina cover because: hnnng.)
"Woah, woah, woah." Noel's hand flies up to his face, covering his eyes. "Oh. Shit. No. Okay." He flails around a bit behind him with his other hand until he catches hold of the door, and manages to close it. He peers at Jedward through his fingers, warily. "Okay. No. That's not something that twins do." He pauses to consider this. "Well, except in porn. Which I'm pretty sure this isn't, or else it's a bit shit, really, what with the quiz show format and the lack of hardcore sex and everything."
Jedward just blink at him, which helps no one. Noel stares at them for a moment, bringing his hand away from his eyes slowly. He's a little puzzled that they've made no effort to explain themselves, haven't jumped apart or tried to tell him that it's not what it looks like. It's like they don't think there's any reason to.
"Okay, shit." He takes a deep breath, rubs his hands together and brings them up to his mouth, fingertips touching his lips. "Okay, this is awkward. Apparently no one has ever explained to you what incest is." John and Edward exchange a look, eyebrows raised. "This really shouldn't be my job."
There is a long pause, during which Noel wonders what the hell else to say. And then one of the twins takes pity on him and says, "We know what incest means."
"Oh, thank god. Okay. That's a good start."
Noel thinks for a further moment. To be honest, the shock is receding now, and it's beginning to feel like less of a big deal. What consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes, and that. Then again, calling Jedward adults is a little bit of a stretch, and more importantly, this isn't their home.
"All right. Are you aware that it's not something that should be done in public?"
The twins exchange another faintly amused look. Noel wishes they would stop that.
"I mean—what you do is up to you, generally speaking, but if you go round doing it in other people's dressing rooms, you're gonna get into trouble. People are gonna—"
"Judge us?" one of the twins offers with a twinkle in his eye. Noel squints at him. It's the prettier one, and he's reasonably certain that means it's Edward.
"I was gonna go with 'arrest you'," he says. "But yeah, that too."
"Are you judging us?" asks the other one.
"Am I—" Noel flounders for a moment. "Well—I—I think that what you do in the privacy in your own home is none of my business."
"What about what we do in your dressing room?" probably-Edward asks cheekily.
Noel narrows his eyes at them. "Well, then it's my business."
"Yeah, we're your business now," probably-John says, folding his arms and striking some kind of odd pose. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"Lecture you," Noel decides. "I'm a responsible adult and that is the responsible course of action. There's no rulebook for this sort of thing, but I'm pretty sure." Edward is looking at him, deceptively innocent. God, he's pretty. They both are. What was he saying? "Right, incest!" Noel blurts. "In conclusion, don't do it in other people's dressing rooms, be wary of arrest and judgement, okay, good, lecture over."
He waves his arms around some more, starting to back towards the door, temporarily forgetting that this is his own room and they should really be the ones leaving. And then suddenly, Edward is taking his hand, and John the other one, and Noel freezes, arms sticking straight out like he's a zombie, the twins clinging to him.
Shit. Is he being Punk'd? Does that even still happen? Is there a porn version? He dismisses this quickly; what the hell demand would there be for a thirty-something pseudo-goth getting down 'n' dirty with a couple of barely legal blonde twins?
On second thought, that actually sounds like a pretty decent basis for a porno. Noel'd watch it, at least.
He wonders what his next move is supposed to be. "Um," he says. "We appear to be holding hands." Stating the obvious is usually a pretty good tactic, he's found.
This is the most quiet the twins have been all day. It is more disconcerting than he could ever have imagined.
"We could be doing something else," Edward says, eyes flickering from Noel to his brother and back again.
"Putting this incredibly bizarre experience behind us and moving on with our lives?" Noel suggests.
"Or kissing," the twins reply instantly in unison.
"Well." Noel frowns. "I'm more than willing to let you get back to that as soon as I regain the use of my arms and you learn what privacy is."
"Kissing you," Edward clarifies, and before Noel has a chance to even attempt a witty retort, there are lips pressed against his. Young, clumsy, inexperienced lips. He's too stunned to react at all, to reciprocate or push away, but Edward is undeterred, his lithe little body pressed against Noel, their fingers still entwined as he kisses him.
Something seems to make him decide that's an adequate length of time for this kiss to last, and he stops, smiling brightly. His lips are all pink and his cheeks are flushed too, and Noel is staring, his mouth slightly open, totally unprepared when John lunges forward and does the exact same thing. Jesus. He should have seen that coming. They kiss exactly the same, Noel realises, and this time he finds himself responding, almost instinctively, trying to keep up with John's messy pace. He feels a tugging at his other arm, Edward squeezing his hand.
"What, that's so unfair, you're kissing him back! You didn't kiss me back!"
And then John's lips are replaced by Edward's again, Edward standing on his tiptoes a little bit even though it's not entirely necessary, letting go of Noel's hand in order to clutch at his hips instead.
"Er," says Noel hoarsely when Edward lets him go. "Well, that shouldn't have happened." The two of them are looking at each other in That Way again. "And nothing else should happen," Noel adds quickly, "along those lines." He wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
"Why not?" John asks.
Noel narrows his eyes at them. It's really like they don't live on this earth. And he's been accused of the very same thing, so it seems significant for him to think it about someone else. "Do you know how old I am?" he asks.
"Twenty eight?" Edward guesses at the same time as John says, "Forty?"
Noel bursts into a fit of despairing laughter and has to rest against the door for a moment until he can contain himself. They look somewhat hurt, and Edward is giving John a look like he thinks Noel is being a bit of a dick. Noel caught sight of that look a few times throughout the show, actually—everyone else seemed to think the twins were oblivious to their insults, but Noel saw it, saw the way Edward would occasionally roll his eyes or the almost-constant grin would fade from John's face. They're not idiots; they know when they're being made fun of.
"Sorry," he says, quickly, "I—you're very young. I'm flattered. Really. But you're...you're very young."
"We just turned nineteen," Edward says defensively, and Noel is surprised. He'd assumed they were maybe sixteen or seventeen, and nineteen seems a lot more reasonable. Nineteen is like, almost not a teenager anymore. He's not sure what he's trying to justify to himself here, but he's definitely going about it very eagerly. Interesting.
"Yeah?" he says, and the twins nod vehemently, in sync with each other. "All right. Well. That doesn't seem so bad."
"It's not, okay, we totally know what we're doing," John assures him. "You wouldn't be like, taking advantage or anything like that, we know what we want."
Noel tilts his head on one side, considers this. "Eh," he shrugs. "Fuck it. Okay."
"Really? Oh my god, that's so cool, you're so cool Noel Fielding, okay, hang on," Edward cries, jumping up and down a little and grinning at his brother. The two of them go skipping off across the room, talking too fast for Noel to keep up, and Noel shrugs again to himself and slides the bolt through the door.
"Er, lock," he says loudly, though neither of them are paying him any attention, "for future reference."
"Do you have a bed in here?" Edward asks then, nosing around even though it's fairly obvious that there are no beds in sight.
"Oh my god, you should totally get a bed in here," John adds, "for all your groupies."
"Yeah, they'll be like," Edward's voice gets slightly higher-pitched, "oh my god, Noel Fielding has a bed in his dressing room! This is totally cool, you guys! Let's hang out here forever!"
Noel stares at them, somewhat blankly. "How many groupies do you think I have?"
"I dunno, how many do you have?"
Noel frowns. "Uh, at last count, two." He jabs his fingers at them and steps forward. "And there's no bed, but there is a sofa," he adds, looking down at said sofa, placing his hands on his hips.
The twins look extremely skeptical. Which is maybe fair, because the sofa—well, it wouldn't win the award for Most Beautiful Sofa if there were such a thing, let's put it that way. It actually used to be in Simon Amstell's dressing room, and he bequeathed it to Noel when he left the show, for reasons not worth going into. It's basically prehistoric, it's so old, a faint floral pattern visible on the cushions if you squint really hard. It is small and threadbare and stained, and Noel is rather fond of it. The twins regard it with deep suspicion.
"Look, I'm not taking you to a hotel," Noel bursts out, suddenly agitated. This sort of thing is all well and good if they get on with it before he has a chance to think about all the possible repercussions, but if they're going to hang around complaining about furniture Noel might have to have second thoughts. "Sofa or nothing."
The twins exchange another look, and then immediately bound towards the sofa like a pair of oversized Golden Retrievers, and for a second Noel is terrified that the sofa isn't going to be able to cope with this and will actually finally expire once and for all. He squeezes his eyes shut, waiting to hear the springs shriek in horror and the whole thing collapse into a pile of stuffing and dust. But all he hears is some faint creaking, and when he opens his eyes, the boys are patting the space between them. Which is about half the size of Noel's actual body, because the sofa is not a three-seater by any stretch of the imagination, but he figures to hell with it and goes to join them anyway, squeezing himself between the twins.
"So like, we've only ever done this with each other, so go easy on us, okay?" one of the twins babbles at him—shit, they moved around and now he's lost track of which is which. He's been told there are distinguishing scars or something but even up close like this, the twins's faces look almost creepily flawless, all soft white skin.
Wait a second. He processes what's just been said, and has a couple of burning questions. What exactly are they expecting Noel is going to do to them, and more importantly—
"Can I ask why you've chosen me for your sexual debut with non-family members?"
The twin on his left laughs, and Noel turns to look at him. "Because we like you," he says, blinking innocently and batting his eyelashes. He is unabashedly flirty, which means that he is definitely Edward.
"And we figured that you would," John adds.
Noel resents that, and then realises he's really not in a position to do so. He looks from one twin to the other, and then again, and for a moment gets kind of distracted by how cool that is—to look from your left to your right and see the exact same face staring back at you on either side. And then one of the faces kisses him. And god, they really aren't terribly good at it, and he supposes that's partly down to being young and partly due to lack of experience—there's no way for them to learn any sort of new technique if they've only got each other to learn from.
So he finds himself trying to guide the kiss, his hands on either side of Edward's face as he tries to slow the over-excited twin down. He can feel John's eyes on them. They kiss gently for a little while, Noel waiting until Edward seems slightly calmer before he slips his tongue between his lips. But then Edward lets out a sort of whimper, and this time it's Noel who needs to calm down. Christ, people like Jedward have no business making noises as hot as that. He draws back.
"What?" John asks instantly, looking crestfallen. "Are we doing okay?"
Jesus. "No, you're doing good, you're doing good," Noel assures them, flustered. "I'm—I'm doing less good."
The twins exchange a look. "Are you kidding me?" John says, sort of rubbing at Noel's thigh through his jeans. "You're totally good. You're so hot."
Noel laughs, a hoarse sort of disbelieving sound, because really, what the fuck—and then he's being kissed again, this time by John, and it's better than before, like he learnt what to change just from watching his brother. Noel cups John's cheek, deepens the kiss, and thankfully John doesn't make any pornographic noises in response to this. But Edward—Edward is leaning in against Noel's shoulder, warm soft lips trying to get at his neck. Noel's shirt collar is too high, really, but then he feels Edward kissing his jaw instead. John's hand is still on his thigh, but while it was rubbing sort of aimlessly at first, now it's travelling up, boldly landing on Noel's crotch and staying there. Noel's hips twitch and the sofa creaks quietly to itself.
"Have you kissed boys before?" Edward whispers suddenly, and Noel chuckles against John's lips.
"One or two."
John pulls back a little, bringing his plump lower lip between his teeth for a second as he considers this. His brow is furrowed. "Have you had sex with them?" he asks, also whispering, as though now is the time for them to keep their voices down. Noel can't help but find their innocent curiosity kind of adorable. Smiling, eyebrows raised, he just nods.
"A lot?" Edward asks from his other side.
"Well, I don't like to brag."
"Wow," says John, his voice all hushed awe. Noel tries not to crack up.
"So you're like, this experienced older man, it's so cool," Edward gushes.
"Yeah, you're all experienced and older and you can like, teach us things," John adds happily, beginning to unzip Noel's jeans.
"Doesn't seem like you need much teaching," Noel chuckles, squirming between them to let John open his fly up.
"Oh my god, you're not wearing underwear!" John cries when his fingers brush bare skin and coarse hair. He draws back, hands over his open mouth in what Noel hopes is intentionally exaggerated shock.
"Hey, you try wearing underwear in jeans this tight," Noel replies, bringing his hands down between his legs. His cock's half-hard and still half-hidden by his jeans, and he's really not a shy person at all but suddenly he feels a little awkward about exposing himself like this. He feels very scrutinised.
Edward reaches out, grabbing Noel's hands and trying to prise them out of the way shamelessly. John joins in and the two of them pull Noel's arms apart, each holding one of his hands in their laps. It's weird, the whole thing is weird, but it makes Noel harder, and his cock practically springs out, stiff and flushed.
Edward sort of sighs, appreciatively, and John just says, "Weird."
"Thanks, mate," Noel says sarcastically. His palms are all sweaty where the twins are holding onto them.
"No, I don't mean like that," John laughs, embarrassed, "I mean—just, seeing someone else's."
Well, that makes Noel feel like a perv. He shrugs. "Ta-da," he offers. Neither of the twins laugh, apparently too transfixed by Noel's cock to actually listen to what comes out of his mouth. Which, to be fair, isn't such a terrible thing.
Edward lets go of Noel's hand, and reaches out to take a hold of his erection instead. He licks at the palm of his hand first, and his grip is nice, hot and firm and a little slick with spit. Noel shifts, trying to encourage him to move, but before Edward does anything further with his hand, he repositions himself. Sort of snuggles against Noel's body, resting his head on Noel's shoulder and curling into his side. It's such easy affection that it catches Noel off guard and he doesn't quite know what to do. He ends up with his arm around Edward, hand resting against the curve of the boy's waist. Like they're cuddling or something. Which, Noel likes cuddling just as much as the next person, but he's usually the one being cuddled, so it feels slightly odd.
It's made more odd by the fact that Edward has his fist around Noel's dick, and now he's getting back to that, letting out a little huff of breath as he begins to slide his hand up the length. Noel and John are both silent, watching. Edward squirms beside him, apparently not quite comfortable, breathing hotly against Noel's chest and twisting his wrist. It feels perfectly fine as far as Noel is concerned, but Edward takes his hand off and sighs frustratedly.
"Here, Ed'ard," John murmurs right away. "Like this."
He takes over, spitting into his hand and then wrapping his fingers around Noel's erection, smoothing over it, base to tip and back again. Noel moans a little, appreciatively.
"It doesn't feel like yours," Edward says in a small voice.
"I know," John says, glancing up at his brother with a sympathetic look in his eyes. "But it's just the same, see? It's easy."
When Edward took his hand off Noel's dick, he placed it on Noel's stomach instead, but now Noel realises it's up by Edward's mouth. For a moment Noel thinks that Edward is actually sucking his thumb, but he looks closer and realises he's just got his thumbnail between his teeth and is biting at it, agitatedly, as he watches.
"Lemme try again," he says, and Noel feels like he may as well be some kind of handjob version of a CPR dummy as John moves off and Edward on again. Not that he's complaining—this time Edward is more sure of himself, gathering a little of Noel's pre-come on his thumb and swiping it over the tender skin of Noel's shaft, making every slide of his hand smoother. Noel squirms between them, settling back against the sofa, hips bucking up.
"Are we doing okay?" John asks, leaning back, one elbow resting on the top of the sofa in what Noel thinks is an inappropriately casual manner. His voice is so innocent, but there's a twinkle in his eye when Noel turns his head to look at him.
"Great. Brilliant. Fantastic. You should consider a career in wanking people off," Noel replies, and it's only half-mocking, because just then Edward does the thing with his thumb again and it makes Noel tingle and grab Edward tighter by the waist.
John, impatient, reaches out again, and Edward actually bats his hand away, and then the two of them are kind of slapping at each other, and Noel is bewildered—it's so sibling-like, and so childish, which should make it weird rather than hot, but somehow it's both. Maybe it's the way it feels like they're fighting over him, because, essentially, they are.
"I'm not done yet," Edward says whinily, managing to get both of John's hands pinned to Noel's thigh with one of his own. He's had to sit up to properly fend his brother off, and Noel finds that he sort of misses the warmth of Edward nuzzling into his side. What the shit is that about, he wonders vaguely to himself as Edward gets back to business. His hand, small and smooth like a girl's, curls around Noel's aching cock, twists and slides clumsily, and Noel groans.
"I like it when you do that," Edward comments matter-of-factly, his voice a little breathier now with effort as his fist slip-slides quickly. "It sounds good."
Noel squirms, clutching at Edward's waist still, resting his head back against the top of the sofa and shutting his eyes. He finds that he's grinning to himself, probably in something like disbelief. When he groans again, it's genuinely involuntary, because something hot and wet is enveloping the tip of his dick and it's sudden and unexpected and so fucking good. His hips jerk up instinctively and he can hear Edward saying "John," in that way of his, and he forces himself to look down.
Edward's fingers are still wrapped stickily around the base of Noel's cock, but John is now bent over, taking Noel into his mouth. All Noel can see is that stupid blonde quiff hovering over his crotch, and he really wants John to hurry up and take him deeper, but he's a little scared to touch his head in encouragement in case his hand ends up welded there with hairspray. Jesus Christ.
"That's—good," he forces out instead, and Edward lets go of him, slumping back against the sofa sort of defeatedly. Noel looks at him. He's actually pouting. This is so absurd. He brings his hand up to Edward's shoulder and gives it a squeeze. "Hey, you'll get your turn," he says, and Edward chuckles softly and snuggles into him again, settles back to watch.
John is still just sucking gently at the head of Noel's dick, which is starting to get too intense, but just as Noel is about to say so, John takes more of him in. Ah, fucking bliss, the hot stiff flesh of Noel's cock sliding over John's lips and into his mouth, so wet and tight. He's good at this already, without even really doing anything. Actually, Noel remembers suddenly, he made a joke about this backstage before the show; something about cocksucking lips that sent Katy Brand into a fit of shocked hysterics that lasted about twenty minutes. It'd just slipped out while they were all casually theorising about the twins's sexual preferences—turns out he has pretty good instincts.
John is still moving down, taking Noel deeper into his mouth and then—jesus, his throat too, and Noel can barely believe it until he feels John's nose pressed right against his skin. He does it with total ease, like he was born without a gag reflex, like he's not even aware that it's a struggle for a hell of a lot of people. Oh god, Noel realises, and that makes sense—maybe the twins have been sucking each other off for years, working past that little problem so gradually that they didn't even realise. Noel digs his fingers into Edward's shoulder and tries not to come right then and there. He can feel Edward watching him intently, looking at his face instead of at what his brother's doing between Noel's legs. It's hot, in a slightly uncomfortable way, and Noel flexes his thighs as John gradually eases back up.
John coughs gently, a little bit of spit smeared on that plump bottom lip of his. Noel might be imagining it, but his eyes look a little bit wet too, and fuck if that isn't hot. In the couple of seconds it takes him to recover, Edward slips out of Noel's grip and down onto the floor, shoving the coffee table out of the way with his back as he settles himself on his knees between Noel's legs. Noel stares down at him, bug-eyed, not entirely sure he's going to be able to cope. God, they're so fucking ridiculous, the two of them, it's like they're from another planet, but right now Noel's forgotten why anyone would ever find them annoying when they can do this. The nation ought to know.
Edward places his hands on Noel's hips and licks at him, tongue darting out and lapping at his balls before laving the whole length of Noel's cock. He looks up at him and Noel wants to punch something, because no one is allowed to look that cute and innocent while going down on you, no one. John wraps his fingers loosely around the base of Noel's erection, guiding the tip between his brother's lips, and Edward sucks him down with ease and enthusiasm, bobbing up and down and actually humming a little bit to himself. Which is completely ludicrous, but the vibration it causes makes Noel's brain backfire, so he keeps his mouth shut.
Edward takes him right into his throat too, struggling just a tiny bit more than John, blue-green eyes watering as he gazes up at Noel almost adoringly. Noel grabs a fistful of sofa cushion, not even giving a shit that the sofa may not survive such violence. He moans louder than he should in a thin-walled dressing room, and John grins as he slides down off the sofa to join his brother between Noel's legs. By the time they're both licking and sucking at him, Noel is splayed out on the sofa with his neck cricked awkwardly, chin pressed right to his chest, legs wide open. All he can do is stare down at his own cock, at the twins passing it back and forth between them, sharing it when they get impatient.
Noel never really got the whole twin fantasy thing, to be honest, but he knows plenty of people who do. Russell Brand, for one—not surprisingly—was completely baffled when Noel happened to mention that he didn't really understand all the fuss. Russell kept saying "But it's two people who look the same! How can you not get it?" He actually created a scenario for Noel to imagine, and it involved girls, but it went pretty much like this—looking down between his legs to see two identical faces staring back at him. Noel laughed at Russell and said "Creepy. Like double vision. I'd just feel like I'd been drinking too much," and Russell shook his head sadly at him and said he wasn't sure if they could continue to be friends.
Of course, right now, Noel wonders how in the world he couldn't get it, because it's like this awesome mirror image thing, one twin mouthing at the left side of his cock while the other does the same to the right (he's forgotten who's who again; too close to orgasm to care). Their lips meet in the middle in an almost-kiss, and they're getting messy and inept again, over-excited, mouths wet all round and they keep making these obscene slurping noises that are gross and amazing all at once.
"Um, I'm gonna come, so I—don't know what you wanna do about that but—thought I'd let you know," Noel chokes out weakly about a half-second before he actually does come, tensing up and trembling, hips drawing up as he shoots. He just about catches sight of a stripe of come streaking onto the prettier one's face, and then squeezes his eyes shut, ears buzzing.
He keeps his eyes closed until the crazy colours stop dancing around in his brain, and then opens one of them because the twins have gone awfully quiet. And, well, shit. John is licking Edward's face. John is licking Noel's come off of Edward's face.
John wrinkles his nose. "He doesn't taste like you do," he murmurs thoughtfully.
"No," Edward agrees, and Noel throws his head against the back of the sofa, making a sort of pathetic whining sound that both of the boys ignore. His hands are cramping like fuck from gripping so tightly to the cushions—and yeah, they didn't take that very well—and he can't feel his toes. He's also sweating right through his jacket, so he heaves himself into a sitting position and practically tears it off, breathing hard.
He bravely manages to straighten up, and, wiping sweat from his forehead, asks, "D'you want me to take care of you two, then?" It only seems fair; he's a gentleman and all. The twins look up at him abruptly like—well, god, he doesn't even know what like. Like puppies hearing the word 'walk'.
"Really?" John asks, wide-eyed.
"Um," Noel says, hesitantly. "Yeah?"
"Oh my god, that would be so cool, okay," Edward babbles, "hang on—"
And in an instant, the two of them are undressing, so fast that Noel's eyes can hardly follow the movement. Kicking off their shoes and then holding onto each other to keep from falling over as they peel off their socks, stripping out of their jeans and pants (for fuck's sake, even their pants are matching). Again, Noel's main thought is about how pretty they are, even naked, which is a state that tends to make a lot of people look rather ridiculous. John and Edward are so confident though, totally at ease in their bodies, and it doesn't hurt that their bodies look exactly the same. They're all flawless pale skin that gives Noel this weird urge to transform into a vampire, and they're kind of gangly in this really attractive way, legs long and skinny like a baby deer's. They're practically hairless, just a dusting of dark-blonde downy stuff at the top of their thighs and around their dicks—which are as gorgeous as the rest of them, thick and flushed so dark against their white skin.
They've noticed that he's staring, and they goofily strike a pose, John throwing an arm around Edward's shoulder as they jut out their hips. Christ, if their music career goes downhill—which Noel is fairly certain it will—they could definitely make a name for themselves in porn.
He decides against voicing this, instead sitting forward and beckoning them. He ends up with a twin on either side, the two of them sort of stumbly and awkward, Edward blushing high in his cheeks. The sofa is very low to the ground, which is usually quite inconvenient but right now puts him at exactly the right height to suck someone off. Or two someones. John holds his shirt up out of the way, takes his cock in his hand and tugs at it a little anxiously, and Noel goes for Edward first, gently teasing the tip with his tongue. Edward makes that sound from before, that needy whimper, and Noel's response is utterly instinctive—eyes rolling back in his head as he takes Edward's cock between his lips, lets him stretch his mouth wide.
Even he can't deepthroat like the twins can, and he's sucked a fair amount of cock in his lifetime, so for a moment he has this worry that for Edward, he's not going to be anywhere near as good as John, and vice versa. But then he realises that no matter what he does, even if he had six tongues, he'd never be able to compete. What the two of them have is special, simply because it's their own, and Noel can't intrude on that, can't interfere with it. It's oddly comforting, lowering the pressure on him, and he rolls his tongue over smooth hot flesh and takes Edward as deep as he can, enjoying the feel of it.
It quickly becomes clear that he's not going to be the one in control of this, as Edward takes a hold of his dick and eases it back out of Noel's mouth and in again, the head poking at the inside of Noel's cheek. John laughs softly and reaches out, strokes two fingers over Noel face, just under his cheekbone, the swelling there.
"Is it good?" he asks quietly, and Noel reflects that the lilt of their accents is a lot more pleasant when they're not talking so loud.
"Mmh," is Edward's only response. His forehead is all crinkled, eyebrows drawn up, and he looks kind of beautiful. Noel teases at him with his tongue, and Edward almost sobs, hips thrusting as he pushes deeper into Noel's mouth again.
He starts to slide in and out, and Noel holds onto the two of them for support, hands steadied on the curves of their arses—also identical, he notes. John, apparently fed up of waiting for his turn, closes in and Noel, eyes closed, feels a hot stiffness pressing insistently against his cheek. He turns his head, letting Edward's cock slip from his lips with a quiet pop and then replaces it with John's. They taste just the same, feel just the same in his mouth. It's amazing. He can hear the slick sound of Edward stroking himself, but before long Edward is impatient too, edging even closer and pushing the head of his cock against Noel's occupied lips. Noel tries to open his mouth wider and Edward thumbs at his cock, pushes it in, stretching Noel's lips. He can only fit the tip in, but they're desperate now, hips jerking erratically.
He goes back and forth as quickly and fairly as he can, the two of them stepping in between his legs and getting closer to make it easier for him. They press right up against each other, and forget about trying to make Noel do it the way they want, hands letting go of themselves and clinging to each other instead. When Noel glances up, he sees that they're kissing again, and this time he lets himself enjoy the sight of it, the natural rhythm the two of them have, the way they pant into each other's mouths. Edward is digging his fingernails into John's chest and John bats at his arm, whining Ed'ard.
They don't warn him when they're about to come, which he supposes makes sense—they're so in tune that they don't need to warn each other, so it doesn't exactly come naturally. Even so, Noel is unprepared, definitely not expecting them to come simultaneously. He's got John in his mouth, but Edward comes just from rubbing against Noel's cheek, as if only orgasming because his twin is. Noel gulps and swallows, takes Edward's cock into his mouth as it spasms, sucks down what isn't already splattered across his face and quite possibly his hair. The twins are messy.
They're still clutching at each other when Noel looks up again, kissing, open-mouthed and murmuring stuff that he can't quite make out. He shuffles back on the sofa, grabs his jacket and wipes his face with it. The boys separate, grinning down at him inanely, and then throw themselves down on either side of him with such force that once again, Noel fears for the sofa's life.
John yawns, and Edward echoes him a split-second later. Noel stares blankly into space.
"That was awesome," John says.
"I know, oh my god, totally," Edward agrees, and it's clear that they're only speaking to each other, but then Edward prods at Noel's motionless body and says, "hey, are you okay? What're you thinking about?"
Noel is thinking about whether or not they'll ever want to do this again. Whether they'd want him to fuck them, or if they would fuck him. Take turns. He wonders if their cocks feel the same when they're inside you, if one of them would be rougher than the other. He thinks John would probably shove him down on all fours and pull his hair, fuck him really hard. He figures they've probably tried it with each other—after all, it's so easy to picture Edward on his back with his legs wrapped around John, begging softly as John pounds into him. Christ, it's a nice image. Noel doesn't generally top, but he would fuck Edward into next week.
Edward prods at him again and Noel turns and gazes at him, at those innocent eyes, and he bites his lip. Tries to pull himself together. "I'm fine," he says, running his fingers through his mussed-up hair. "Just wondering what the hell would've happened if it'd been Jack Dee who'd walked in here instead of me," he jokes.
The twins exchange a look.
End.
Also! Just out of curiosity, is there anywhere Noel-related that I can crosspost this? Like, imagining I just decided to throw out the rest of my dignity? I know there are Boosh comms and stuff but I feel like there should be a sort of general, Noel-Fielding-having-sex-with-random-people appreciation society, because I would probably get a lot of use out of that.
Title: big boy rides and big boy ice
Author: likecharity
Pairing: John Grimes/Edward Grimes/Noel Fielding
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Real person slash, twincest, and a bit of focus on age difference—Noel is in his late thirties, and the twins are 19...and act a lot younger.
Summary: Porn, porn, 6000 words of porn. "Can I ask why you've chosen me for your sexual debut with non-family members?"
A/N: WHAT IN THE WORLD. Can we blame that old episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks that I foolishly decided to rewatch? And
staypainted? And these gifs? Please? (Also, the title is from 'Whatever You Like' by T.I., though I was listening to the Anya Marina cover because: hnnng.)"Woah, woah, woah." Noel's hand flies up to his face, covering his eyes. "Oh. Shit. No. Okay." He flails around a bit behind him with his other hand until he catches hold of the door, and manages to close it. He peers at Jedward through his fingers, warily. "Okay. No. That's not something that twins do." He pauses to consider this. "Well, except in porn. Which I'm pretty sure this isn't, or else it's a bit shit, really, what with the quiz show format and the lack of hardcore sex and everything."
Jedward just blink at him, which helps no one. Noel stares at them for a moment, bringing his hand away from his eyes slowly. He's a little puzzled that they've made no effort to explain themselves, haven't jumped apart or tried to tell him that it's not what it looks like. It's like they don't think there's any reason to.
"Okay, shit." He takes a deep breath, rubs his hands together and brings them up to his mouth, fingertips touching his lips. "Okay, this is awkward. Apparently no one has ever explained to you what incest is." John and Edward exchange a look, eyebrows raised. "This really shouldn't be my job."
There is a long pause, during which Noel wonders what the hell else to say. And then one of the twins takes pity on him and says, "We know what incest means."
"Oh, thank god. Okay. That's a good start."
Noel thinks for a further moment. To be honest, the shock is receding now, and it's beginning to feel like less of a big deal. What consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes, and that. Then again, calling Jedward adults is a little bit of a stretch, and more importantly, this isn't their home.
"All right. Are you aware that it's not something that should be done in public?"
The twins exchange another faintly amused look. Noel wishes they would stop that.
"I mean—what you do is up to you, generally speaking, but if you go round doing it in other people's dressing rooms, you're gonna get into trouble. People are gonna—"
"Judge us?" one of the twins offers with a twinkle in his eye. Noel squints at him. It's the prettier one, and he's reasonably certain that means it's Edward.
"I was gonna go with 'arrest you'," he says. "But yeah, that too."
"Are you judging us?" asks the other one.
"Am I—" Noel flounders for a moment. "Well—I—I think that what you do in the privacy in your own home is none of my business."
"What about what we do in your dressing room?" probably-Edward asks cheekily.
Noel narrows his eyes at them. "Well, then it's my business."
"Yeah, we're your business now," probably-John says, folding his arms and striking some kind of odd pose. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"Lecture you," Noel decides. "I'm a responsible adult and that is the responsible course of action. There's no rulebook for this sort of thing, but I'm pretty sure." Edward is looking at him, deceptively innocent. God, he's pretty. They both are. What was he saying? "Right, incest!" Noel blurts. "In conclusion, don't do it in other people's dressing rooms, be wary of arrest and judgement, okay, good, lecture over."
He waves his arms around some more, starting to back towards the door, temporarily forgetting that this is his own room and they should really be the ones leaving. And then suddenly, Edward is taking his hand, and John the other one, and Noel freezes, arms sticking straight out like he's a zombie, the twins clinging to him.
Shit. Is he being Punk'd? Does that even still happen? Is there a porn version? He dismisses this quickly; what the hell demand would there be for a thirty-something pseudo-goth getting down 'n' dirty with a couple of barely legal blonde twins?
On second thought, that actually sounds like a pretty decent basis for a porno. Noel'd watch it, at least.
He wonders what his next move is supposed to be. "Um," he says. "We appear to be holding hands." Stating the obvious is usually a pretty good tactic, he's found.
This is the most quiet the twins have been all day. It is more disconcerting than he could ever have imagined.
"We could be doing something else," Edward says, eyes flickering from Noel to his brother and back again.
"Putting this incredibly bizarre experience behind us and moving on with our lives?" Noel suggests.
"Or kissing," the twins reply instantly in unison.
"Well." Noel frowns. "I'm more than willing to let you get back to that as soon as I regain the use of my arms and you learn what privacy is."
"Kissing you," Edward clarifies, and before Noel has a chance to even attempt a witty retort, there are lips pressed against his. Young, clumsy, inexperienced lips. He's too stunned to react at all, to reciprocate or push away, but Edward is undeterred, his lithe little body pressed against Noel, their fingers still entwined as he kisses him.
Something seems to make him decide that's an adequate length of time for this kiss to last, and he stops, smiling brightly. His lips are all pink and his cheeks are flushed too, and Noel is staring, his mouth slightly open, totally unprepared when John lunges forward and does the exact same thing. Jesus. He should have seen that coming. They kiss exactly the same, Noel realises, and this time he finds himself responding, almost instinctively, trying to keep up with John's messy pace. He feels a tugging at his other arm, Edward squeezing his hand.
"What, that's so unfair, you're kissing him back! You didn't kiss me back!"
And then John's lips are replaced by Edward's again, Edward standing on his tiptoes a little bit even though it's not entirely necessary, letting go of Noel's hand in order to clutch at his hips instead.
"Er," says Noel hoarsely when Edward lets him go. "Well, that shouldn't have happened." The two of them are looking at each other in That Way again. "And nothing else should happen," Noel adds quickly, "along those lines." He wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
"Why not?" John asks.
Noel narrows his eyes at them. It's really like they don't live on this earth. And he's been accused of the very same thing, so it seems significant for him to think it about someone else. "Do you know how old I am?" he asks.
"Twenty eight?" Edward guesses at the same time as John says, "Forty?"
Noel bursts into a fit of despairing laughter and has to rest against the door for a moment until he can contain himself. They look somewhat hurt, and Edward is giving John a look like he thinks Noel is being a bit of a dick. Noel caught sight of that look a few times throughout the show, actually—everyone else seemed to think the twins were oblivious to their insults, but Noel saw it, saw the way Edward would occasionally roll his eyes or the almost-constant grin would fade from John's face. They're not idiots; they know when they're being made fun of.
"Sorry," he says, quickly, "I—you're very young. I'm flattered. Really. But you're...you're very young."
"We just turned nineteen," Edward says defensively, and Noel is surprised. He'd assumed they were maybe sixteen or seventeen, and nineteen seems a lot more reasonable. Nineteen is like, almost not a teenager anymore. He's not sure what he's trying to justify to himself here, but he's definitely going about it very eagerly. Interesting.
"Yeah?" he says, and the twins nod vehemently, in sync with each other. "All right. Well. That doesn't seem so bad."
"It's not, okay, we totally know what we're doing," John assures him. "You wouldn't be like, taking advantage or anything like that, we know what we want."
Noel tilts his head on one side, considers this. "Eh," he shrugs. "Fuck it. Okay."
"Really? Oh my god, that's so cool, you're so cool Noel Fielding, okay, hang on," Edward cries, jumping up and down a little and grinning at his brother. The two of them go skipping off across the room, talking too fast for Noel to keep up, and Noel shrugs again to himself and slides the bolt through the door.
"Er, lock," he says loudly, though neither of them are paying him any attention, "for future reference."
"Do you have a bed in here?" Edward asks then, nosing around even though it's fairly obvious that there are no beds in sight.
"Oh my god, you should totally get a bed in here," John adds, "for all your groupies."
"Yeah, they'll be like," Edward's voice gets slightly higher-pitched, "oh my god, Noel Fielding has a bed in his dressing room! This is totally cool, you guys! Let's hang out here forever!"
Noel stares at them, somewhat blankly. "How many groupies do you think I have?"
"I dunno, how many do you have?"
Noel frowns. "Uh, at last count, two." He jabs his fingers at them and steps forward. "And there's no bed, but there is a sofa," he adds, looking down at said sofa, placing his hands on his hips.
The twins look extremely skeptical. Which is maybe fair, because the sofa—well, it wouldn't win the award for Most Beautiful Sofa if there were such a thing, let's put it that way. It actually used to be in Simon Amstell's dressing room, and he bequeathed it to Noel when he left the show, for reasons not worth going into. It's basically prehistoric, it's so old, a faint floral pattern visible on the cushions if you squint really hard. It is small and threadbare and stained, and Noel is rather fond of it. The twins regard it with deep suspicion.
"Look, I'm not taking you to a hotel," Noel bursts out, suddenly agitated. This sort of thing is all well and good if they get on with it before he has a chance to think about all the possible repercussions, but if they're going to hang around complaining about furniture Noel might have to have second thoughts. "Sofa or nothing."
The twins exchange another look, and then immediately bound towards the sofa like a pair of oversized Golden Retrievers, and for a second Noel is terrified that the sofa isn't going to be able to cope with this and will actually finally expire once and for all. He squeezes his eyes shut, waiting to hear the springs shriek in horror and the whole thing collapse into a pile of stuffing and dust. But all he hears is some faint creaking, and when he opens his eyes, the boys are patting the space between them. Which is about half the size of Noel's actual body, because the sofa is not a three-seater by any stretch of the imagination, but he figures to hell with it and goes to join them anyway, squeezing himself between the twins.
"So like, we've only ever done this with each other, so go easy on us, okay?" one of the twins babbles at him—shit, they moved around and now he's lost track of which is which. He's been told there are distinguishing scars or something but even up close like this, the twins's faces look almost creepily flawless, all soft white skin.
Wait a second. He processes what's just been said, and has a couple of burning questions. What exactly are they expecting Noel is going to do to them, and more importantly—
"Can I ask why you've chosen me for your sexual debut with non-family members?"
The twin on his left laughs, and Noel turns to look at him. "Because we like you," he says, blinking innocently and batting his eyelashes. He is unabashedly flirty, which means that he is definitely Edward.
"And we figured that you would," John adds.
Noel resents that, and then realises he's really not in a position to do so. He looks from one twin to the other, and then again, and for a moment gets kind of distracted by how cool that is—to look from your left to your right and see the exact same face staring back at you on either side. And then one of the faces kisses him. And god, they really aren't terribly good at it, and he supposes that's partly down to being young and partly due to lack of experience—there's no way for them to learn any sort of new technique if they've only got each other to learn from.
So he finds himself trying to guide the kiss, his hands on either side of Edward's face as he tries to slow the over-excited twin down. He can feel John's eyes on them. They kiss gently for a little while, Noel waiting until Edward seems slightly calmer before he slips his tongue between his lips. But then Edward lets out a sort of whimper, and this time it's Noel who needs to calm down. Christ, people like Jedward have no business making noises as hot as that. He draws back.
"What?" John asks instantly, looking crestfallen. "Are we doing okay?"
Jesus. "No, you're doing good, you're doing good," Noel assures them, flustered. "I'm—I'm doing less good."
The twins exchange a look. "Are you kidding me?" John says, sort of rubbing at Noel's thigh through his jeans. "You're totally good. You're so hot."
Noel laughs, a hoarse sort of disbelieving sound, because really, what the fuck—and then he's being kissed again, this time by John, and it's better than before, like he learnt what to change just from watching his brother. Noel cups John's cheek, deepens the kiss, and thankfully John doesn't make any pornographic noises in response to this. But Edward—Edward is leaning in against Noel's shoulder, warm soft lips trying to get at his neck. Noel's shirt collar is too high, really, but then he feels Edward kissing his jaw instead. John's hand is still on his thigh, but while it was rubbing sort of aimlessly at first, now it's travelling up, boldly landing on Noel's crotch and staying there. Noel's hips twitch and the sofa creaks quietly to itself.
"Have you kissed boys before?" Edward whispers suddenly, and Noel chuckles against John's lips.
"One or two."
John pulls back a little, bringing his plump lower lip between his teeth for a second as he considers this. His brow is furrowed. "Have you had sex with them?" he asks, also whispering, as though now is the time for them to keep their voices down. Noel can't help but find their innocent curiosity kind of adorable. Smiling, eyebrows raised, he just nods.
"A lot?" Edward asks from his other side.
"Well, I don't like to brag."
"Wow," says John, his voice all hushed awe. Noel tries not to crack up.
"So you're like, this experienced older man, it's so cool," Edward gushes.
"Yeah, you're all experienced and older and you can like, teach us things," John adds happily, beginning to unzip Noel's jeans.
"Doesn't seem like you need much teaching," Noel chuckles, squirming between them to let John open his fly up.
"Oh my god, you're not wearing underwear!" John cries when his fingers brush bare skin and coarse hair. He draws back, hands over his open mouth in what Noel hopes is intentionally exaggerated shock.
"Hey, you try wearing underwear in jeans this tight," Noel replies, bringing his hands down between his legs. His cock's half-hard and still half-hidden by his jeans, and he's really not a shy person at all but suddenly he feels a little awkward about exposing himself like this. He feels very scrutinised.
Edward reaches out, grabbing Noel's hands and trying to prise them out of the way shamelessly. John joins in and the two of them pull Noel's arms apart, each holding one of his hands in their laps. It's weird, the whole thing is weird, but it makes Noel harder, and his cock practically springs out, stiff and flushed.
Edward sort of sighs, appreciatively, and John just says, "Weird."
"Thanks, mate," Noel says sarcastically. His palms are all sweaty where the twins are holding onto them.
"No, I don't mean like that," John laughs, embarrassed, "I mean—just, seeing someone else's."
Well, that makes Noel feel like a perv. He shrugs. "Ta-da," he offers. Neither of the twins laugh, apparently too transfixed by Noel's cock to actually listen to what comes out of his mouth. Which, to be fair, isn't such a terrible thing.
Edward lets go of Noel's hand, and reaches out to take a hold of his erection instead. He licks at the palm of his hand first, and his grip is nice, hot and firm and a little slick with spit. Noel shifts, trying to encourage him to move, but before Edward does anything further with his hand, he repositions himself. Sort of snuggles against Noel's body, resting his head on Noel's shoulder and curling into his side. It's such easy affection that it catches Noel off guard and he doesn't quite know what to do. He ends up with his arm around Edward, hand resting against the curve of the boy's waist. Like they're cuddling or something. Which, Noel likes cuddling just as much as the next person, but he's usually the one being cuddled, so it feels slightly odd.
It's made more odd by the fact that Edward has his fist around Noel's dick, and now he's getting back to that, letting out a little huff of breath as he begins to slide his hand up the length. Noel and John are both silent, watching. Edward squirms beside him, apparently not quite comfortable, breathing hotly against Noel's chest and twisting his wrist. It feels perfectly fine as far as Noel is concerned, but Edward takes his hand off and sighs frustratedly.
"Here, Ed'ard," John murmurs right away. "Like this."
He takes over, spitting into his hand and then wrapping his fingers around Noel's erection, smoothing over it, base to tip and back again. Noel moans a little, appreciatively.
"It doesn't feel like yours," Edward says in a small voice.
"I know," John says, glancing up at his brother with a sympathetic look in his eyes. "But it's just the same, see? It's easy."
When Edward took his hand off Noel's dick, he placed it on Noel's stomach instead, but now Noel realises it's up by Edward's mouth. For a moment Noel thinks that Edward is actually sucking his thumb, but he looks closer and realises he's just got his thumbnail between his teeth and is biting at it, agitatedly, as he watches.
"Lemme try again," he says, and Noel feels like he may as well be some kind of handjob version of a CPR dummy as John moves off and Edward on again. Not that he's complaining—this time Edward is more sure of himself, gathering a little of Noel's pre-come on his thumb and swiping it over the tender skin of Noel's shaft, making every slide of his hand smoother. Noel squirms between them, settling back against the sofa, hips bucking up.
"Are we doing okay?" John asks, leaning back, one elbow resting on the top of the sofa in what Noel thinks is an inappropriately casual manner. His voice is so innocent, but there's a twinkle in his eye when Noel turns his head to look at him.
"Great. Brilliant. Fantastic. You should consider a career in wanking people off," Noel replies, and it's only half-mocking, because just then Edward does the thing with his thumb again and it makes Noel tingle and grab Edward tighter by the waist.
John, impatient, reaches out again, and Edward actually bats his hand away, and then the two of them are kind of slapping at each other, and Noel is bewildered—it's so sibling-like, and so childish, which should make it weird rather than hot, but somehow it's both. Maybe it's the way it feels like they're fighting over him, because, essentially, they are.
"I'm not done yet," Edward says whinily, managing to get both of John's hands pinned to Noel's thigh with one of his own. He's had to sit up to properly fend his brother off, and Noel finds that he sort of misses the warmth of Edward nuzzling into his side. What the shit is that about, he wonders vaguely to himself as Edward gets back to business. His hand, small and smooth like a girl's, curls around Noel's aching cock, twists and slides clumsily, and Noel groans.
"I like it when you do that," Edward comments matter-of-factly, his voice a little breathier now with effort as his fist slip-slides quickly. "It sounds good."
Noel squirms, clutching at Edward's waist still, resting his head back against the top of the sofa and shutting his eyes. He finds that he's grinning to himself, probably in something like disbelief. When he groans again, it's genuinely involuntary, because something hot and wet is enveloping the tip of his dick and it's sudden and unexpected and so fucking good. His hips jerk up instinctively and he can hear Edward saying "John," in that way of his, and he forces himself to look down.
Edward's fingers are still wrapped stickily around the base of Noel's cock, but John is now bent over, taking Noel into his mouth. All Noel can see is that stupid blonde quiff hovering over his crotch, and he really wants John to hurry up and take him deeper, but he's a little scared to touch his head in encouragement in case his hand ends up welded there with hairspray. Jesus Christ.
"That's—good," he forces out instead, and Edward lets go of him, slumping back against the sofa sort of defeatedly. Noel looks at him. He's actually pouting. This is so absurd. He brings his hand up to Edward's shoulder and gives it a squeeze. "Hey, you'll get your turn," he says, and Edward chuckles softly and snuggles into him again, settles back to watch.
John is still just sucking gently at the head of Noel's dick, which is starting to get too intense, but just as Noel is about to say so, John takes more of him in. Ah, fucking bliss, the hot stiff flesh of Noel's cock sliding over John's lips and into his mouth, so wet and tight. He's good at this already, without even really doing anything. Actually, Noel remembers suddenly, he made a joke about this backstage before the show; something about cocksucking lips that sent Katy Brand into a fit of shocked hysterics that lasted about twenty minutes. It'd just slipped out while they were all casually theorising about the twins's sexual preferences—turns out he has pretty good instincts.
John is still moving down, taking Noel deeper into his mouth and then—jesus, his throat too, and Noel can barely believe it until he feels John's nose pressed right against his skin. He does it with total ease, like he was born without a gag reflex, like he's not even aware that it's a struggle for a hell of a lot of people. Oh god, Noel realises, and that makes sense—maybe the twins have been sucking each other off for years, working past that little problem so gradually that they didn't even realise. Noel digs his fingers into Edward's shoulder and tries not to come right then and there. He can feel Edward watching him intently, looking at his face instead of at what his brother's doing between Noel's legs. It's hot, in a slightly uncomfortable way, and Noel flexes his thighs as John gradually eases back up.
John coughs gently, a little bit of spit smeared on that plump bottom lip of his. Noel might be imagining it, but his eyes look a little bit wet too, and fuck if that isn't hot. In the couple of seconds it takes him to recover, Edward slips out of Noel's grip and down onto the floor, shoving the coffee table out of the way with his back as he settles himself on his knees between Noel's legs. Noel stares down at him, bug-eyed, not entirely sure he's going to be able to cope. God, they're so fucking ridiculous, the two of them, it's like they're from another planet, but right now Noel's forgotten why anyone would ever find them annoying when they can do this. The nation ought to know.
Edward places his hands on Noel's hips and licks at him, tongue darting out and lapping at his balls before laving the whole length of Noel's cock. He looks up at him and Noel wants to punch something, because no one is allowed to look that cute and innocent while going down on you, no one. John wraps his fingers loosely around the base of Noel's erection, guiding the tip between his brother's lips, and Edward sucks him down with ease and enthusiasm, bobbing up and down and actually humming a little bit to himself. Which is completely ludicrous, but the vibration it causes makes Noel's brain backfire, so he keeps his mouth shut.
Edward takes him right into his throat too, struggling just a tiny bit more than John, blue-green eyes watering as he gazes up at Noel almost adoringly. Noel grabs a fistful of sofa cushion, not even giving a shit that the sofa may not survive such violence. He moans louder than he should in a thin-walled dressing room, and John grins as he slides down off the sofa to join his brother between Noel's legs. By the time they're both licking and sucking at him, Noel is splayed out on the sofa with his neck cricked awkwardly, chin pressed right to his chest, legs wide open. All he can do is stare down at his own cock, at the twins passing it back and forth between them, sharing it when they get impatient.
Noel never really got the whole twin fantasy thing, to be honest, but he knows plenty of people who do. Russell Brand, for one—not surprisingly—was completely baffled when Noel happened to mention that he didn't really understand all the fuss. Russell kept saying "But it's two people who look the same! How can you not get it?" He actually created a scenario for Noel to imagine, and it involved girls, but it went pretty much like this—looking down between his legs to see two identical faces staring back at him. Noel laughed at Russell and said "Creepy. Like double vision. I'd just feel like I'd been drinking too much," and Russell shook his head sadly at him and said he wasn't sure if they could continue to be friends.
Of course, right now, Noel wonders how in the world he couldn't get it, because it's like this awesome mirror image thing, one twin mouthing at the left side of his cock while the other does the same to the right (he's forgotten who's who again; too close to orgasm to care). Their lips meet in the middle in an almost-kiss, and they're getting messy and inept again, over-excited, mouths wet all round and they keep making these obscene slurping noises that are gross and amazing all at once.
"Um, I'm gonna come, so I—don't know what you wanna do about that but—thought I'd let you know," Noel chokes out weakly about a half-second before he actually does come, tensing up and trembling, hips drawing up as he shoots. He just about catches sight of a stripe of come streaking onto the prettier one's face, and then squeezes his eyes shut, ears buzzing.
He keeps his eyes closed until the crazy colours stop dancing around in his brain, and then opens one of them because the twins have gone awfully quiet. And, well, shit. John is licking Edward's face. John is licking Noel's come off of Edward's face.
John wrinkles his nose. "He doesn't taste like you do," he murmurs thoughtfully.
"No," Edward agrees, and Noel throws his head against the back of the sofa, making a sort of pathetic whining sound that both of the boys ignore. His hands are cramping like fuck from gripping so tightly to the cushions—and yeah, they didn't take that very well—and he can't feel his toes. He's also sweating right through his jacket, so he heaves himself into a sitting position and practically tears it off, breathing hard.
He bravely manages to straighten up, and, wiping sweat from his forehead, asks, "D'you want me to take care of you two, then?" It only seems fair; he's a gentleman and all. The twins look up at him abruptly like—well, god, he doesn't even know what like. Like puppies hearing the word 'walk'.
"Really?" John asks, wide-eyed.
"Um," Noel says, hesitantly. "Yeah?"
"Oh my god, that would be so cool, okay," Edward babbles, "hang on—"
And in an instant, the two of them are undressing, so fast that Noel's eyes can hardly follow the movement. Kicking off their shoes and then holding onto each other to keep from falling over as they peel off their socks, stripping out of their jeans and pants (for fuck's sake, even their pants are matching). Again, Noel's main thought is about how pretty they are, even naked, which is a state that tends to make a lot of people look rather ridiculous. John and Edward are so confident though, totally at ease in their bodies, and it doesn't hurt that their bodies look exactly the same. They're all flawless pale skin that gives Noel this weird urge to transform into a vampire, and they're kind of gangly in this really attractive way, legs long and skinny like a baby deer's. They're practically hairless, just a dusting of dark-blonde downy stuff at the top of their thighs and around their dicks—which are as gorgeous as the rest of them, thick and flushed so dark against their white skin.
They've noticed that he's staring, and they goofily strike a pose, John throwing an arm around Edward's shoulder as they jut out their hips. Christ, if their music career goes downhill—which Noel is fairly certain it will—they could definitely make a name for themselves in porn.
He decides against voicing this, instead sitting forward and beckoning them. He ends up with a twin on either side, the two of them sort of stumbly and awkward, Edward blushing high in his cheeks. The sofa is very low to the ground, which is usually quite inconvenient but right now puts him at exactly the right height to suck someone off. Or two someones. John holds his shirt up out of the way, takes his cock in his hand and tugs at it a little anxiously, and Noel goes for Edward first, gently teasing the tip with his tongue. Edward makes that sound from before, that needy whimper, and Noel's response is utterly instinctive—eyes rolling back in his head as he takes Edward's cock between his lips, lets him stretch his mouth wide.
Even he can't deepthroat like the twins can, and he's sucked a fair amount of cock in his lifetime, so for a moment he has this worry that for Edward, he's not going to be anywhere near as good as John, and vice versa. But then he realises that no matter what he does, even if he had six tongues, he'd never be able to compete. What the two of them have is special, simply because it's their own, and Noel can't intrude on that, can't interfere with it. It's oddly comforting, lowering the pressure on him, and he rolls his tongue over smooth hot flesh and takes Edward as deep as he can, enjoying the feel of it.
It quickly becomes clear that he's not going to be the one in control of this, as Edward takes a hold of his dick and eases it back out of Noel's mouth and in again, the head poking at the inside of Noel's cheek. John laughs softly and reaches out, strokes two fingers over Noel face, just under his cheekbone, the swelling there.
"Is it good?" he asks quietly, and Noel reflects that the lilt of their accents is a lot more pleasant when they're not talking so loud.
"Mmh," is Edward's only response. His forehead is all crinkled, eyebrows drawn up, and he looks kind of beautiful. Noel teases at him with his tongue, and Edward almost sobs, hips thrusting as he pushes deeper into Noel's mouth again.
He starts to slide in and out, and Noel holds onto the two of them for support, hands steadied on the curves of their arses—also identical, he notes. John, apparently fed up of waiting for his turn, closes in and Noel, eyes closed, feels a hot stiffness pressing insistently against his cheek. He turns his head, letting Edward's cock slip from his lips with a quiet pop and then replaces it with John's. They taste just the same, feel just the same in his mouth. It's amazing. He can hear the slick sound of Edward stroking himself, but before long Edward is impatient too, edging even closer and pushing the head of his cock against Noel's occupied lips. Noel tries to open his mouth wider and Edward thumbs at his cock, pushes it in, stretching Noel's lips. He can only fit the tip in, but they're desperate now, hips jerking erratically.
He goes back and forth as quickly and fairly as he can, the two of them stepping in between his legs and getting closer to make it easier for him. They press right up against each other, and forget about trying to make Noel do it the way they want, hands letting go of themselves and clinging to each other instead. When Noel glances up, he sees that they're kissing again, and this time he lets himself enjoy the sight of it, the natural rhythm the two of them have, the way they pant into each other's mouths. Edward is digging his fingernails into John's chest and John bats at his arm, whining Ed'ard.
They don't warn him when they're about to come, which he supposes makes sense—they're so in tune that they don't need to warn each other, so it doesn't exactly come naturally. Even so, Noel is unprepared, definitely not expecting them to come simultaneously. He's got John in his mouth, but Edward comes just from rubbing against Noel's cheek, as if only orgasming because his twin is. Noel gulps and swallows, takes Edward's cock into his mouth as it spasms, sucks down what isn't already splattered across his face and quite possibly his hair. The twins are messy.
They're still clutching at each other when Noel looks up again, kissing, open-mouthed and murmuring stuff that he can't quite make out. He shuffles back on the sofa, grabs his jacket and wipes his face with it. The boys separate, grinning down at him inanely, and then throw themselves down on either side of him with such force that once again, Noel fears for the sofa's life.
John yawns, and Edward echoes him a split-second later. Noel stares blankly into space.
"That was awesome," John says.
"I know, oh my god, totally," Edward agrees, and it's clear that they're only speaking to each other, but then Edward prods at Noel's motionless body and says, "hey, are you okay? What're you thinking about?"
Noel is thinking about whether or not they'll ever want to do this again. Whether they'd want him to fuck them, or if they would fuck him. Take turns. He wonders if their cocks feel the same when they're inside you, if one of them would be rougher than the other. He thinks John would probably shove him down on all fours and pull his hair, fuck him really hard. He figures they've probably tried it with each other—after all, it's so easy to picture Edward on his back with his legs wrapped around John, begging softly as John pounds into him. Christ, it's a nice image. Noel doesn't generally top, but he would fuck Edward into next week.
Edward prods at him again and Noel turns and gazes at him, at those innocent eyes, and he bites his lip. Tries to pull himself together. "I'm fine," he says, running his fingers through his mussed-up hair. "Just wondering what the hell would've happened if it'd been Jack Dee who'd walked in here instead of me," he jokes.
The twins exchange a look.
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But the fic, yes, it's wonderful. You have their voices down beautifully and I can actually hear them saying your dialogue, which rarely happens so naturally when I read fic. It's interesting seeing them from an outside POV, but all of your insights make so much sense and give the whole thing some depth. And uh, it's hot. JOHN LICKING EDWARD'S FAACEEE I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT.
Also: Christ, if their music career goes downhill—which Noel is fairly certain it will—they could definitely make a name for themselves in porn. Part of me was like, that's so sad! but the rest of me was LOLING SO HARD.
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WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, JEDWARD, NOW I AM PSYCHOANALYSING YOU, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME. >:(
RIGHT, ANYWAY. THANK YOU. Especially about the dialogue thing because mannn, that is HARD. The way they speak is so, like - well, not like anything I've ever written in fic before? It's like they don't really have a filter, and so it seems to work best when I just write something without thinking, because it seems like most of the time they SAY stuff without thinking. I thought it was interesting to have the outside POV too, and I figured Noel would be at least somewhat sympathetic to them seeing as he's quite childlike and detached from reality too and has crazy dress sense. Idk. ALSO GLAD THAT IT WAS HOT. I didn't feel weird about the porny stuff in the other fic at all, but for some reason this one kept making me feel like a perv. Almost like they were underage?? But it was probably just the presence of an older man.
Hahahaha. Ughhh I am an awful person because back during The X Factor I saw people saying similar things, and I was like OH MY GOD PLEASE LET THAT HAPPEN. And like of course I don't want them to fail at what they love, or end up with no CHOICE but porn, but...a little part of me thinks that, if they did it willingly, it would be AWESOME.
What is this comment? I am so rambly, apologies. I'm glad you liked the fic. ♥
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I pretty much constantly want to see what they're like whey there are no cameras in front of them, because while I bet that they're still fucking crazy and impulsive, there were moments in that show when you can see them toning it down and restraining themselves, so I'm guessing the ADHD is partially in keeping with their image, and that they're more calm when they're alone. All of which makes me think they know more or less perfectly well when they're being made of, and honestly just know how to ignore it, which kind of BLOWS MY MIND.
JESUS, OKAY, NOW I'M PSYCHOANALYZING AND RAMBLING.
In conclusion, THIS: I don't want them to fail at what they love, or end up with no CHOICE but porn, but...a little part of me thinks that, if they did it willingly, it would be AWESOME. MTE.
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Oh my goddd I would love to see that, too. I've been thinking about it lately actually because I watched this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMOCludVWT0) from X Factor times and I was so amazed by how calm they seemed. I mean, they're hardly laidback, but when you compare that to how they are now? I sort of assume that, like you said, it's partly an image thing, but I wonder if maybe the increased fame/excitement has actually changed the way they act as well. It's interesting.
If they are totally aware of when they're being made fun of, and they just know how to deal, I am sort of in awe of them. Ngl. And like, they put themselves in those situations, too, like they go on panel shows even though they must know people are going to be cruel to them there. MASOCHISTS? They are such strange people.
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I laughed out loud at this in quite a few places; Noel's thought processes were hilarious and it was all win. Usually when I laugh at porn it is not because it's genuinely amusing, but because it is so, so bad. What with turgid members and cocks spewing jizz like firehoses--laugh or cry, ya know? But THIS is fucking brilliant all the way through and I enjoyed every word, even when I was doubled up over my keyboard laughing.
That poor sofa and Noel's concern for it... lmao.
You have got to write Noel fucking Edward now. You must for it will be gloriously sexy and made of win. Bonus if he makes Edward whimper and scream.
*bites knuckles*
Lovely as ever, lady.
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Awww, I'm so glad it made you laugh. When I'm writing fic I never know if things are going to be amusing to anyone but me, and then at the end of it I'm always like "this isn't even funny, it's just RIDICULOUS." So yay.
The sofa was legit one of my favourite parts, I had to hold myself back from mentioning it more often. The thing is, I've written two other stories involving Simon Amstell's dressing room and a sofa, one where he and Noel had sex on it and another where he sat on it with Patrick Wolf and had some tea. So I had this personal canon thing going on whereby the sofa was really meaningful to Simon and he wanted Noel to look after it, and preferably not have wild, sofa-destroying sex with twins on it. Idk idk my brain is a weird place.
And oh GOD don't even tempt me with the Noel/Edward sex. Auuugh. I decided early on that they wouldn't go that far in this, but once I started thinking about it I had to include at least a MENTION, but as soon as I mentioned it I wanted to write more. Hnnng.
♥ Thank you!
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Noel thinks for a further moment. To be honest, the shock is receding now, and it's beginning to feel like less of a big deal. What consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes, and that. Then again, calling Jedward adults is a little bit of a stretch, and more importantly, this isn't their home.
After that I was utterly lost. I just loved the whole calmly reasoning way he was going about and then--WAIT!--there at the end.
The sofa is very important. I don't really know this sofa, but it made an impression on me. :D
*tempts-tempts-tempts* But you've got to. You already gave such a great hint and now it is your solemn duty as an awesome writer to follow through and deliver for your adoring public who will drool all over themselves with wild-eyed delight. Nothing says SEXY like making some pretty blonde boy whimper, squirm and ultimately scream while you plow his ass. Noel needs to learn this and make good use of the knowledge by bending John over next. Or omfg, John and Noel can DP Edward. UNF. Just. UNF.
I did not just type that up there about the DP or "plowing" anyone's ass. You're seeing things. Really.
Shit.
But you should still do it.
*koff*
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And oh goddddddddd, DP is like one of my secret shameful kinks auuuuugh WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND PUT THAT IDEA IN MY HEAD, NOW IT WILL NEVER LEAVE. Oh god, and it makes SENSE, too, because if Noel was fucking Edward and it's like the first time anyone but John has done that, John is going to be so possessive and jealous and want to be a part of it. It makes sense for there to be a sequel, too, for the two of them to be like HAY NOEL TEACH US MORE ABOUT SEX and him to be like *facepalm* WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO.
Okay. I can't promise anything. But this is clearly going to go round and round in my head all day and if I end up writing something, I end up writing something. *surrenders*
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DP is one of my not-so secret kinks that I never find any kind of goodness to read involving it. It's usually like *head tilty* "That would not work that way." I watch porn, I know how it should be done. lol
I think it would be totally hot to let Noel fuck Edward first and it just be him and then like, after some recovery time, the twins want another round for Noel to teach them more about sex because apparently he is an awesome sex teacher and so he's fucking Edward again or... OR... he could be fucking John and Edward's all like, "Hey, I want in on this, scootch over, Noel." and somehow they end up DPing John and he just. HE LOVES IT. I say all of that because Edward, from what I read, seems more the jealous, "I want it to be my turn now" one of the twins. I could be wrong though since I don't know much about them at all. But again with the UNF and Noel being all, "HOW DID THIS EVER HAPPEN?!", but also being like, "Eh. It did though. And it is awesome. I AM SUCH A PERVERT. When can we do it again?" This constant loop in the back of his mind like that.
Wow. I am babbling like Lindsay Lohan on a coke bender. /embarrassment
But MUAHAHA I HAVE WORN YOU DOWN (maybe-possibly-perhaps). *waits hopefully*
I have no icons at all appropriate for this conversation. But you can never go wrong with Falkor, that's my reasoning here.
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I agree that Edward is kind of more jealous/impatient but idk, I think John is more outwardly possessive? HMM. I don't know actually, I can come up with examples to back it up either way. I think I just want Edward to be the one being DP'd, maybe because in my head he's waaay more of a bottom or...just because he's pretty? I DON'T KNOW. For some reason I can totally see that he wouldn't have a problem with the idea of taking them both. And Noel would be like WHAT.
fffff I've already started writing a bit, I HAD THINGS TO DO TODAY GOD DAMMIT
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In the .gifs I've seen where I can tell them apart, Edward does seem to be more... submissive to John? Like he defers to him/looks to him to take the lead. And then, yanno, lets him walk him around by his ridiculous hair. Things like that. So: Point.
Yeah and Edward would be all, "Okay, two penises must be better than one, right?" Then it'd be like, "Oh. OH. This kind of HURTS. But don't stop. Just go slower." and it could have this little side of comfort/easing him into it (easing into him? o_O Wtf, brain?!) with bonus whimpering. Yes. It would be really awesome and give this pretty touch of lovingly raunchy realism to it. And LUBE WE NEED LUBE HERE. ::ahem::
Omg, yes, Noel would totally be WHAT? about it and then THIS IS WEIRD AND WRONG. Because, hi, he is actively participating in twincest as it is, but now they're throwing in kink, too? But they're a bit... special... and wouldn't be thinking, "This is kinky." just more like, "This is a good idea, we should try this. Oh." Also, those quiffs must get torn down because Edward all sweaty, in utter ecstasy with a side of pain (because a side of pain is always a good thing imo) and his hair is all in face, sweaty and plastered to his cheeks and hanging in his eyes is freakin' HOT.
MENTAL IMAGES: I HAVE THEM NOW.
And *\o/* you're doing it! I will so be there with bells on to read it. :D :D
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Anyway. EDWARD IS TOTALLY THE MORE SUBMISSIVE ONE. Totally. More quiet and laidback and OBVIOUSLY the bottom, but also yeah, it seems like he gets off on being really physically submissive as well, like with the hair-pulling (jfc) and things like that. So I could definitely see him get off on bottoming for two people at once. And just letting them totally take control.
I'm adding this backstory of the twins having experimented with John's penis + a small dildo before, just so it's not TOO sudden and crazy, but yeah, there will definitely be lots of easing him into it (and lube, definitely lube.)
GOD exactly, I love that side of it, the twins just thinking of it in such SIMPLE terms of "this could be fun, let's do it!" without dwelling on it or what it means or anything like that. Whereas for Noel it's like, even HE hasn't done anything this kinky before, and he's totally up for it and everything but he can't believe it doesn't seem like a big deal to them.
Also we are totes on the same wavelength because I've already written that they haven't done their hair. Hee.
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That made me laugh so much.
This fic is SO good. I love Noel's trepidation and how quickly the twins wear him down. I really like their enthusiasm and their complete insouciance about the whole thing. It feels very them. You've captured them all so well here: they really sound like I imagine they would, and Noel is very Noel.
This line is great: He bravely manages to straighten up, and, wiping sweat from his forehead, asks, "D'you want me to take care of you two, then?" It only seems fair; he's a gentleman and all. The twins look up at him abruptly like—well, god, he doesn't even know what like. Like puppies hearing the word 'walk'. I can totally picture all of this.
You should definitely post this more widely! It would be fine on
I love your writing! You're really great at capturing dialogue and people and mood. :)
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Thank you. I'm glad you liked it! The twins did wear Noel down awfully fast, didn't they? Probably that was partly because I was impatient, but also because I feel like that's fairly in keeping with Noel's character. Like, a couple of attempts at being the responsible adult, and then "eh, fuck it." I'm glad you thought he was in character because it's been a while since I've written him.
And you quoted another line I wasn't sure about! I almost didn't put the puppy bit in because I felt like it was too creepy. The whole time, actually, I kept feeling like I was making Jedward act way too childlike, but THAT'S HOW THEY ARE IN REAL LIFE, I couldn't help it.
Oooh, thank you for the comm recs. I do remember
♥ Thank you so much.
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asdfg now you have to write more!! i'm totally behind portraitofafool's suggestion of John & Noel dp-ing Edward! *__*
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I KIND OF ALREADY WROTE IT. I did it really quickly so I still have to edit and stuff, but it should be up pretty soon.
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heeee i can ship Jedward with almost anyone, i even ship John with Keith Lemon after he drank his jizz on Celebrity Juice, even though Keith's not real and his jizz wasn't either, but yeah.. John drinking jizz out of a mug. Those boys will really do anything! ;Dasfg really?! Can't wait!! *__*
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Yeah, the touching was all it took for me too. XD I'm easily pleased.
(And oh god, I saw a clip of that on Youtube and had noooo idea as to the context, I sort of couldn't believe what I was seeing.)
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!!!!!!
I imagined reading everything the twins said in their voice and oh god...it sounded amazing. *_*
You really captured the way they talk there (thought it's not that hard, all you need to do is throw there 'oh my god', 'okay' and 'awesome' XD)
Super hot.
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Lol, I'm actually relieved to hear you say that about the twins' voices, because believe it or not they were hard to write. I guess it's just that when you're writing dialogue usually, you try NOT to use the same words over and over, whereas with Jedward that's ACTUALLY HOW THEY SPEAK. Lol.
I'm glad you liked it.
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HEEE I love everything. the line about the quiz-show and lack of hardcore sex!! I love how in Noel's mind they're Jedward like a singular entity.
It's the prettier one, and he's reasonably certain that means it's Edward.
HA. I'm sitting here grinning at my laptop while reading this, and I'm hoping like hell my dad doesn't ask me what I'm doing because omg. THIS IS JUST SO GREAT.
He dismisses this quickly; what the hell demand would there be for a thirty-something pseudo-goth getting down 'n' dirty with a couple of barely legal blonde twins?
haaaaa
lmaooo the age guessing. like, this fic is just hilarious. hilarious and hot, which is the best of everything.
who are Noel's two groupies. lol the couch.
ugh EVERYTHING IS JUST AMAZING. like idk what to quote because I want to quote all of it, it's just asjhsakj. I love you.
OFF TO READ THE SEQUEL HAHA YES. :)
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JEDWARD ARE A SINGULAR ENTITY. MOSTLY. I definitely think he'd see them that way, at first anyway, and then whenever he couldn't be bothered distinguishing between the two. They do encourage it, after all.
Omg you read this with your Dad in the room I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE PORN. I'm so glad you liked it though, yay, seeing as it was you who put the idea in my head in the first place. :P Thank you, bb!
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Twincest is not usually my thing, but this was brilliantly funny. I just loved reading Noel's thought processes the whole way through, especially his protective instincts towards his sofa!
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Yay, thank you though! I'm glad you liked it, despite not really being into twincest. And I'm especially glad that Noel worked for you, it's been a while since I've written him so I was a little unsure about his voice.
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Which is maybe fair, because the sofa—well, it wouldn't win the award for Most Beautiful Sofa if there were such a thing, let's put it that way. It actually used to be in Simon Amstell's dressing room, and he bequeathed it to Noel when he left the show, for reasons not worth going into. It's basically prehistoric, it's so old, a faint floral pattern visible on the cushions if you squint really hard. It is small and threadbare and stained, and Noel is rather fond of it.
And then I giggled because I suppose this is taking into acount the happenings in your Noel/Simon fic (which I reread yesterday). Or I'm just weirdly reading too much into your thought process, but I think not.
(This is probably the most pointless comment I've ever left you)
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He totally ships them.
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http://green-circles.tumblr.com/post/34622732756
Oh, and this is one of my favorite fics, full stop. Thanks for writin' it. :)