hardparade | ♥

You guys. YOU GUYS.

I really, really love Simon Amstell.

Like, I didn't think I could love him any more than I already did, but tonight has managed to change that. OH GOD, HOW IS HE SO ADORABLE? And so hilarious and tragic at the same time? GOD. I mean, because of Popworld and Never Mind The Buzzcocks I thought maybe he was a bit of a dick, but oh, you guys, he is so precious. I CAN'T EVEN.

Can there be spoilers for stand-up comedy? IDK. ON THE OFF CHANCE ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO SEE HIM ON THIS TOUR, I SHALL CUT.

He kept talking about how he can't find love and he fails at one night stands, and he told us all some stories about disasterous romantic endeavors. He says that he finds it attractive if a guy is thin, like, sickly thin, "like possibly seconds from death--that's really sexy". Lmao. He pointed at the microphone stand and he was like "That, pretty much. That and penis. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK? I don't even care about the penis, I just want someone to cuddle." ♥ SO PRECIOUS.

And he said he likes vulnerable guys, too. He says he worked out he may have accidentally based his entire 'perfect man' image off Jared Leto's character in My So-Called Life which he used to watch when he was younger, so there's three criteria: almost mute, has long hair, has learning difficulties. And he was like "If that applies to any of you, I don't mean to imply that combination is bad. In fact, I'd quite like to meet you after the show." He said he actually met Jared Leto at a party once and all he could say was "Your beauty in Requiem for a Dream distracted from the narrative."

And he was talking about how he ended up chatting up this guy he met when he went to see a play, and it turned out the guy was 18, but they did end up sleeping together. And he said "Look, I know it's bad that he was 18, but there's nothing we can do. There's nothing we can do about the fact that he was 18, there's nothing we can do about the fact that if I'd met him a month earlier he would have been 17. There's nothing the police can do, there's nothing, OKAY?" Ahahaha.

SO MUCH OF IT was so PERSONAL. And he just seems so awkward and insecure, in a ridiculously endearing way. He was talking about being with a guy he met in Paris recently and they went back to his hotel and stuff and he kept wondering if it was really leading where he thought it was, and second-guessing the whole situation and whether the guy genuinely wanted to sleep with him. And he was like, "We were lying in bed together in just our boxers and still I was thinking, but is he serious about this? My cock is now in his mouth, but is he just joking??"

And he said he sometimes has moments doing stand-up where it suddenly hits him that this is actually his life, like, it's all fun at the time and everybody's laughing, but when the gig's over he has to go back to his hotel room, alone. And then he paused and then said "...I don't have to be alone." So I've been comforting myself with the thought that there must have been SOME thin, vulnerable gay man in the audience who waited at the stage door and has taken him out for a drink. (I have never before wanted so badly to be a thin, vulnerable gay man, but that's another matter.)

Lol, also, more lightheartedly, people kept getting up to go to the toilet or whatever, and he'd call them out on it every time. When it got to like, the fifth person, the guy said "I'm so sorry, my back teeth are floating." And everyone looked really puzzled (except me, I'd heard the expression before) and Simon was like "What? What? Your back teeth are floating? Is that some kind of Leeds proverb?" WHICH I AM STILL LAUGHING ABOUT. A Leeds proverb!! I love him. ♥

But all of it just made me really realise the fact that I have written THREE FICS about this man. I can't quite believe that. THREE! I wrote him with Noel Fielding, and with Patrick Wolf, and then with a couple of Kaiser Chiefs once just for fun. And I feel sort of validated with all of that, somehow, because my characterisation is pretty all right considering I didn't really have a good grasp on his real personality until tonight. I always wrote him a little bit insecure and inexperienced with one night stands and stuff. And he said that his fantasy is that he would be able to sleep with the guys who are on his shows, guys he interviews, too.

SO BASICALLY NOW I WANT TO WRITE HIM SOME MORE. AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO. BECAUSE IT IS NOW CANON THAT HE IS LONELY AND NEEDS MORE SEX. I don't even know who he should be paired with now, anyone! A Jonas Brother, whatever! HE SAID HE REALLY LIKES YOUNGER GUYS.